Day 24: Freezing fun

Not that you give a damn, but today it was quite fine. Quite a wonder to a shitty, cold-weathered rainy day at Hamalkaland. Went where, guess where? To a fabulous shopping mall! When you have absolutely nothing else to do nor nowhere else to hide, we can always go to a shopping mall: this city has plenty.

I am starting to think my cousin has some hidden goldmine, for she spends so much money I guess I could make a living of it. Good for her-and for me, since she's always buying me milkshakes. Bad for my hips, great for my tongue...

I read a comic book on a bookstore that tells the story of Allan Kardec. I didn´t know half of that and I´m totally in love. Quite a story.

Faith in humanity: restored.

For now.

Day 23: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Yes, I'm still alive. Missed one day update because of some freakin internet problems and also because I got bit lazy. I´m not built for this damn winter that makes me feel like spending all my days under the covers.
Not that I've been doing so, either. Yesterday we went downtown again - yes, it seems that there's nothing else to do in this city during the day than heading downtown. We went to the City Market and I bought some regional peppers after having quite a typical lunch: cod pastry and baloney sandwich. Then we came back to the neighbourhood for some unusual sightseeing, such as the mansion where ten years ago, the older daughter killed her parents to have their money. How cool, huh?

Today we didn't do nothing much: went out for lunch, some groceries and then I toke my cousin to the fanciest shopping mall in the city, but I just dropped her there and came back home. I hate these fancy places, of course that´s because I'm not fancy enough to that. It´s not worth the effort, I think. Not that I dream of becoming amish or hippie, but I truly don't see any sense in spending a lot of money in clothes or anything just because they´re branded something or something else. And really, I don´t give a flying fuck for what people think about my looks. I never really did, but now that I´m past 30's, I couldn´t care less.

Just one week to escape. I'm taking a vacation out of my own boring life.

Day 21: Rock me!

International Rock Day. Perfectly fitting for a Friday 13th. I wandered the heart of the rock city with my favourite Heavy Metal Barbie, feeling more urban than ever. I know that sometimes I complain and mourn about living in the big city, but I truly love this metropolis and I'm deeply proud of being born and raised in such a rich and beautiful place. Problem is that glamour and modernity are always attached to capitalism and greedy people - and that´s the part I can easily live without.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun shopping, walking, taking pictures and having almost a liter of chocolate milk shake. Really nice days, these. I am really happy my cousin is here, she's really making the days go faster and funnier.

"May the true Gods of Metal grant their blessing upon thy Friday..!"

Let´s do it!

Day 20: Liberty awaits

One more chapter of the bizarre novel that is my life. A mix of heaven and hell: and changing from one to other in a minute. Quite a rollercoaster ride, with the frightening difference that there's not the slightest assurance if I´ll end up alive and well. And no idea about what comes next is either a climb or a fall.

Went out with my two allies, heading downtown to another "3s Day" - this stands for subway, shopping and sushi. Despite of the rain, it was a very pleasant time: funny talking, japanese speaking, lots of make up, jewelry and other girlie stuff. Won't talk here about the stressful moments, it's just not worth it nor good for my skin.

Hang on, Hamalka...just a little bit now.

Day 19: Something wicked always comes

Today could be a great day. Actually today could be quite a perfect day - considering the circumstances - so, maybe I´m just not deserver of such fun and relieving moments.  "Hey, look at Hamalka: she's so happy and laughing with her friends, enjoying some nice moments at the park, so full of hopes and good vibes, c'mon, let´s screw up her day in the worst way possible, so she can end up in tears and regret for the whole fucking night. Shall we?" - this must had been the talking among the devils today.

I must be the worse person in this world. I must had been Lilith, I must had been a fucking pedophile priest in other life, I must had been fucking Hitler. There´s just no other damn explanation why I have to face all this shit, really. Damn, once again I´ll say it: I don´t mind getting up with the consequences of stupid things I do every now and then, but I fucking HATE when my life gets all fucked up because of people that are not worth the air they breath!

Just fucking shoot me and bury me at once!

Day 19: I know this guy

Day 18: So the man said:

"The truth is that everyone will hurt you: you just have to choose the ones who are worth the suffering."
            -Ayrton Senna

Day 18: Change of plans

Today I went downtown with a long-time-no-seen friend of mine. It was really great to wander the streets going in and out of stores, seeing people, riding the subway...We ended up at my favourite oriental restaurant where we ate and laughed a lot. By the way, I had sushi for lunch and sashimi for dinner. I´ve been eating so much raw salmon that I´m pretty sure I´ll look fat as a bear in no time.

Still, I look fabulous. My skin is getting healed and this sure makes me feel better. I guess I'm well on my way to get rid of that shitty self esteem problems once and for all.

Big day is getting closer and fate wanted me to do something else than get my buns tanned until then, so my cousin decided she's coming up to town for some days - precisely the days that I still have here. Not that I am not happy with her company, just that I thought about sleeping, staying butts up and doing this kind of stuff I definitely don't want to do during my days off. Or maybe it´s a good thing to start party-trainning. well, I don't know. Afterall, fate came up with this, I'll just let the river flow.

Now I´ll smoke a cigarette while I read myself a bedtime story, and after that I´ll stalk Mr. Red into my dreams. Hopefully he´ll come tonight.

True dream would be to still have him here by the morning...

Day 17: Watch over us!

Forgive me fellow christians and commerce enthusiasts, but today is my favourite holiday of the year. We celebrate the heroes of this land that fought for the constitution, among them my beloved grandfather that I didn't even get to know before he passed away, but whose memory I'll always cherish: there are so many fantastic stories about him that at least one thing I can be sure of: he was sure a guy who understood that life is to be lived. He was a lawyer,a soldier, a politician, a filmaker. I even wonder if he was ever called a drifter. Anyway, his tales survived.

After my civil duties, I went to have some coffee with a dear friend who I seldom meet nowadays. She went to Vegas earlier this year and brought me a souvenir I just loved : a pink mug with the Playboy logo on it. And I´m already enjoying it: in my bed, under the covers, having a hot cocoa and typing this before watching a movie and hopefully meet King Morpheus before midnight.

Time seems to be going faster now.

Oh, yeah..!

Day 16: My brand of love story

Innocent, sweet, unconditional, true. Built to laugh and to last. A little nonsense, but so is life.
It´s not about defying the world, it's just to watch it together, without being called a retard...

Day 16: It´s quoting time

"I regret nothing. You probably will."

Day 16 : That´s it

(still) Day 15: "If it's true, we'll endure everything."

...I hope it is, because this "everything" , besides way too literal, is taking fucking FOREVER!! 

*outflow time*

Day 15: I Saw

When I was a teenager I was quite into horror movies. Problem is that I never really got scared by them. Most horror movies there is are just too absurd and ridiculous, so I learnt maybe the best horrors are not exactly the scariest ones, but  simply the ones who makes any sense at all. It can even make you laugh, like "The Stuff". That is sure a masterpiece. They say Stephen King is a master of terror. Bullshit, if you´re basing your opinions on his movies, since they mostly suck. "Sleepwalkers" is one of the greatest shit I´ve ever seen, however "Stand By Me", based on his novel "The Body", is actually a great movie. But hardly a terror one. 

There were, of course, very few movies that actually got me by the fright. But none I can remember is a Hollywood blockbuster: "Ringu" - the japanese original thriller (if you think that shitty remake is scary, you'll die seeing the actual stuff) and korean "Oldboy", which ending made me shit bricks.

Still, there are some movies they call "horror", that though are not really "horrifying" are pretty intelligent. I had this impression with the "Saw" series. The problem is that however I saw all the episodes, I was always bit lost on the plot, since I saw them with a quite big interval in between each movie. So, since this week I had pretty much nothing better to do I decided to watch them all in a row, from first to last release.

 I always thought the general idea of "Saw" was pretty good, the soundtrack is great, the photography is great and the games were wicked smart, but since I always got lost on the lot of details, I couldn´t still judge if that was either a good story or not.  After this "asylum", I can strongly say: the story itself is not as impressing as it seems if you see the movies separatedly, and if you see the movies from 3 on without knowing what came first you just simply can't figure anything out and will end up sure it was nothing but good visual and sound effects. Wrong. Of course the whole theatricals are not half as great as its inner philosophy, but it´s something really interesting for those who likes intelligent violence. Or should I say the intelligence of violence?

In the end, the same conclusion: it's not the movies. It's people that are scary.

Day 15: Advice taken

Day 15 : Plane doubts

Yes, I'm packing already. And damn pissed off, because it seems that no one can actually give me any safe information about what I can or can't take in my luggage. I heard I can't even take my toilet kit with me, and this is pretty absurd on  such a long trip, of course I'll want to brush my teeth and put some deodorant on since there are no showers on the plane (at least not for the economic class) and no enough time to use one at the connection airports.
On the other hand, on the air company website it says I can take a lighter with me (!!). How come I can have a lighter, but not a toothpaste?

Aaaw... okay, okay. No stress. Scent or smelly, I'll get there.

Day 14: Fridays may be tricky...

Day 14: Fun in the sun

Okay, I guess by now all of you already know that I have troubles sleeping and past night was no different, so I'll just skip that subject.

While most of you that still bother to read these lines are probably working or bored locked up in your homes, I lay here in the sun, wearing nothing but the smallest g-string thong I could find, butt up trying to get a little tan. There's no one around and I'm enjoying a nice glass of piña colada, though I had a few (ok, a bunch) of alcohol yesterday and had promised myself I wouldn't drink this weekend, but since I have no hangover ,I guess I'll just enjoy myself.

I've been happy. Dunno even why, but I feel glad and thankful about life. I guess I'm just excited and teenagerly in love. Yeah, why not?

17 nights. No more.

Day 13: A sign?

I went to comment something on a friend's blog and there was this "bot check": 13 ensecure . Yeah, yeah, gotta be me indeed.

By the way, mental note: When having an afternoon tea meeting, be sure to drink only tea. Champagne may put you on the ridiculous situation of being shitty drunk before 5 pm.

Day 13: ...and lived happily ever after

Day 13: This ain't no slumber party

...I must re-educate my sleep or else I'll be trashed for facing the 30-hours trip I have ahead. And this time I sure don't intend to arrive and crash to bed. if I could, I wouldn´t even sleep at all those days, just not to waste a second of it.

I thought last night I would have easier time sleeping, but again it was bit difficult. It was soccer night again, and no matter I care or not, people out there do and they'll make it clear with a lot of firecrackers, shouting and horns. And still no stopping - it's almost noon and I can still eventually hear firecrackers.

But it was not the party in the streets that kept me awake: I'm just anxious. Departure day is getting closer and despite of the fact I FUCKING hate planes and travelling alone, I´m more focused of the great things I'm sure there are waiting for me on the other side of the rainbow. And this makes me all skippy too.

Another sunny day in Hamalkaland. No worries but to get lost on the blue sky of the eyes I love so much.

Day 12: Short story

Day 11 : Knock me out

Not the worst day ever: in fact it was even better than I expected. Ok, "better" might not be the word for it, but it isn't so bad after all. I could enjoy a more productive time, however, if I had woken up earlier. 

Problem is that I actually had hard time trying to sleep. I don´t like to take sleeping pills, specially because then it´s very hard to wake me up. I had no alcohol at home, so I thought that maybe some orgasms could knock me down. So I summoned the dynamic duo (Mr. Red & Mr. Hand) for the menáge and chose a nice porn online for making the background. But after three rounds the bed was getting trashed, Mr. Hand was getting tired and I started to notice that Mr. Red was actually only getting me more excited, and the goal after all was to get some sleep. So I traded the porn for this , closed my eyes and tried to stay still. Luckyly the ending of the footage is still unknow to me.

Today my travel agent also scared the hell out of me. Because of some other girl of the travel agency, I almost lost my tickets. Lucky me (and her!) it was ALMOST. I'd just rip her skin off if the worse had happened. And would sure sue the agency or worse. No one screws with my Lonelymoon and gets off unharmed!

But here it is: my ticket to heaven. And back.

Nothing is perfect.

Day 11: Wake up call

Day 10: Stepping forward

I actually opened my blogger dashboard ready to write a lot about the shitty day I had and the lousy feelings that were haunting every single moment of it.

But instead of throwing my words to the wind, I got lucky to find them sheltered on a heart I treasure.
And I'm feeling better now.

"Life is made of choices. When you step forward, something always must be left behind."

Day 10: Before sun rises

Woke up at 4:30.
It's 5:15 and I still couldn't leave the bed, though.

Damn winter..!

Day 9 : Sunday, boring sunday

Day 8: Love, actually.

I was cleaning up the table after lunch and good things came to my mind. I felt my heart warm and I didn't noticed I had such a shining smile upon my face until mom came up with the question: "So, what´s the recipe for such a happiness?"

I felt my cheeks burning and I laughed, so did she. And before I could say anything she said "I bet it's about some boy, huh?"

-Well...I'd say it's more about some man...now.

She nodded. "Whatever. Listen, my dear, if I may say so, I guess you have to take a time for yourself right now." - this sentence erased my smile for a moment. For since the divorce I´m always being pressured to behave like a medieval widow or something. And some close people have been cathegorical in saying stuff that hurts only in thinking. And I was afraid I was about to get another one, but in fact, before I could say a word,she went on to surprise me:

-I just want you to know, that you should not be afraid or embarassed of having someone special to your heart again. I have seen you in love before, and what I see now is that you're putting a huge effort in hiding it, maybe even from yourself. I know what you´ve been through and what you´ve been listening to, but wasn´t you the one who was always saying life´s too short to waste on "could have beens" ? Unless he´s married, of course...

-No, I don't think so. Just that... it´s a teenage love. And we´re not teenagers anymore.

-Good, so this might mean the time is right, now.

While I wondered what makes her so sure about it she turned her back and was about to leave the kitchen when I finally decided to ask.

-You know who I´m talking about, don´t you..?

She laughed

-His name is written all over you.

Day 8 : BBQing

Nothing better than waking up at noon and finding out that the delicious barbecue smell actually comes from my backyard. So, it was an all-family day at home, with a lot of food. My dad made milk pudding, my brother spent the day fixing something in the car, mom was taking turns of resting and cleaning up (why are moms always cleaning up something?) and I played a bunch of games with my Pikku Myy, watching Spiderman on TV. As I told before , they are showing Spiderman marathons in every channel, and when you have a toddler at home, you´re most likely to end up watching the same movies over and over again.

And after a whole month of the same stupid episodes of "Jake And The Neverland Pirates", I think Spiderman is a blessing.

I'll miss that, though. For the first time in almost a decade I'll taste how it feels to be completely on myself again.And this thought kinda gives me butterflies.


  

Day 7: Good things comes to those who wait...

If someone very special says he´s waiting for you...

...be sure and prepared to be worth the waiting.

I´m ready!

Day 7: High hells

When I was younger - and in fact, most of my adult life too - I was never knowed for my fashion sense. Actually still today I don´t give a shit for fashion: I have my own STYLE, baby..!
But few days ago something kinda funny happened: I went to a store and bought this pair of shoes I was pretty much sure everyone would think ridiculous, but I thought so fabulous that I bought it without even ask for the price - and this is the kind of thing I NEVER do. But I´m so lucky that it was actually incredibly cheaper than I thought - like half the half the price I had in mind.
When I got home, I was still so excited about my shoes that I took a picture and uploaded it to the internet. "Since Prince Charming is not coming, fuck the glass slipper".

Then, something inedit happened; all my friends who saw it went crazy and started me asking about where did I get those shoes from, how much did they cost, which brand it is...How come? They really liked it? Were they fancying something I chose and bought?

Wait it gets worse: They found pictures of the same pair and sites that sells them (at least twice the price) and are now posting them to social networks with captions like "Must have!" "I so wanna!" "Need soooo bad!" "Just wonderful!!" and stuff..

WHA A A A A A AAAAT??

To some friends I actually told where I got the shoes. And for my surprise they actually went there and bought it. I dunno what I really feel about it.  I feel flattered that people think I made a good choice for my looks, but on the other hand I feel stupid since now a bunch of fashion freaks will be out there wearing same shoes I will be wearing. With my background it´s obvious that  everyone will think that I'm the one copying the others, and not that I am actually the original deal.

Big deal. Me & my shoes will be kicking some ass way far away outta here.

Day 6: Watashi wa kawaii desu

Half kilo of raw salmon later I guess I´m finally through with my craving for sushi. I also ate a huge bowl of sunomono salad I made myself - and this time it was really tasting great! 

I looove japanese food, specially sushi, sashimi, uramakis and temakis. I even know how to use the hashi sticks since I was a kid. I blame it on Jaspion and Osamu Tezuka´s characters. I was an "otaku" long before this word was up-to-date.

Speaking of Japan and other countries, today I went to this "All Nations Day" at my kid´s school. That was really fun: at the Argentina room the visitors should make a circle and share a  traditional cup of mate tea. Of course from there I went straight to see what could I find at the Jamaica room, but all I got was a piece of some ginger cake.

Now I´m here in my pajamas, watching Spiderman 2. I wonder why they´re showing this much of Spiderman on TV lately. If this is a trick to promote the soon-to-be-released Spiderman 4, I won´t buy it.

Unless they call Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst back.

Day 6 : A quote that says it all

"Craziness is only the top layer of my personality lasagna."

Day 5: Sports Night

Comparing to the rest of the nation I know shit about soccer. And I couldn't care less about it. I mean: let´s suppose for a moment that I am a real supporter of team X or Y and they are playing tonight. If my team wins, what do I really win? And if they loose, what do I actually loose? Nothing. That´s what I mean. So, why bother?
Ok, if someone ask "which team do I support" , I do have an answer. And I eventually use that as an excuse to gather with friends to yell, drink and swear, but most of the time, I just ignore the name of the guy defending the goal area, or the coach, or even what championship they are playing for. Unless it´s World Cup. Then it´s really heavy party time here, and I hate to be left apart of it. Well, I guess down here even if you try, you just can't...

Well, tonight there's no world cup, but I´m supporting my team on a continental championship. Bought nachos and Coke (the drink, not the drug...) and will watch it from my bed, with my daughter for company.

Thrilling indeed.

Day 5: Nightmares

The first night in ages that I fall asleep without rolling over and over the bed, and I end up having the worst nightmare I can remember in a long time. When I woke up, I spent some minutes in bed, trying to analyze it, and I actually started to notice the recurring elements in these nightmares I´ve been having lately.

Regrets: On these, I´m usually on regret of some decisions I made. For a time it was about my ex husband: on my nightmares I was with him again and I regretted that. I take it as a reflection of something I already did, for I do regret the three times that we got apart and I accepted him back. By now I´m more than more than sure I will never get together with him again, but I confess that sometimes it brings me a blue note of thinking how stupid I was before, since a lot of pain could be avoided if I simply wouldn't take him back, way back then.

Lost opportunities: On my nightmares I usually have the chance of doing something I really want to, but for one reason or another, I think I should leave that for a better or more appropriated moment- and I end up not doing what I wanted. Either I wake up or something happens in the dream that makes me loose the unique chance.

Apocalypse: I´ve been "dreaming" a lot about the end of the world, hollywood style. I mean, with skyscrapers falling apart, fire from the sky and all that jazz. When these happens, I feel a terrible fear, because I always think "damn, I truly didn´t believe it would be like this", and it hurts too much because I always end up having to leave someone I love behind to save my own ass. I always survive, but I loose my family. Actually I´m hardly with them when the shit starts to happen, so I end up not even knowing what happened to them. This is even worse.

Deceptions: And the last, and worst it´s to think that all of these dreams actually do start as dreams. In the beginning I´m really happy and satisfied about the way things are going.

Until it all start falling apart somehow- usually the worst, worst, worst way possible.

I´m not worried if these can be actual predictions. I´m actually pretty convinced that these are mostly reflections from my mind and my pessimist overview nowadays...

Anyway, it´s stressful

Day 4: Winter problems

...and that´s exactly how it feels when you "gotta go" in this time of the year.

Day 4: Meanwhile in Rome...

Day 4: A girl and her ghosts

I feel guilty when I wish someone was dead.
I feel bad when I wish I could be somewhere else.
I feel terrible when I think I could simply wash my hands on some things that are only stressing me out, but I know there´s people counting on me.
I feel miserable when I catch myself tired of trying to be a perfect mom.
I feel stupid when I notice I´m having too high expectations for my future.
I feel defeated when I think I might be again cruising for bruising.

...but gee, I´m only a lousy human. Aren´t we all supposed to not to know what to do with our feelings?

Maybe it´s not time to feel
It´s time to live a bit.

Day 4 : Swallow this

I´m pretty used, conformed and submissive in taking all the shit I got myself into. I think it´s fair enough, no matter how hard it is, when I´m suffering because of something I screwed up myself. And believe me, I´m a master when it comes to make the wrong choices. And living though it.
But if there's something that really breaks my heart deeply is when I have to pay for other people´s choices and mistakes. I know this happens. I know it´s as natural as the fact that no human being is an island and stuff, and if we´re coming down to spirituality I should be even more comprehensive and "understandful" (if there´s such a term, anyway...), but damn, did I grew this bitter? Or just got way too tired of being the good girl and getting all my hopes and dreams fucked up while the misbehavers are all out there living happily ever after?

You know what? I guess this "lived happily ever after" stuff are only for the ones who doesn´t believe on it.

Aaaaah...! So I´m starting to get it, then.

Day 4: Bitten by the black spider

I was watching Spiderman 3 last night and realized maybe that's what I need: a little bit of that black poison. To kill this fucking sweet personality once and for all.
Today´s menu: looking for an extra battery for my camera. And I´m starting to think it will be more advantage to buy a new camera instead.

yeah, I´m spending all my money on this trip. In fact, I´m not spending: I´m investing. I truly believe this will make me feel better. wash my soul off all the damn past few months. Maybe the past few years. Take of that painful stains that still left and replace it with a bunch of really happy memories.

I bet. I hope.

C´mon, if there´s a God out there He musn´t be THAT mad at me.

Day 3: Mass Storage Device

Today I went looking for a bigger USB memory to keep my stuff while travelling. I wanted a 32 gB drive, but afterall it was better to have two 16gB pieces. I mean, because of the costs: a 32 gB from an inferior technology brand was almost twice more expensive than buying the two 16gB ones. I admit I'm a total stupid when it comes to tech stuff: have no idea either I made a great deal or not, as long as I can store all the pictures and videoclips I want. And I want to make a lot of them.

A big, fat, colorful and incredible multimedia album.

That´s the least I expect from this tour.

Day 2 : Insignificant reality

Today I went to buy groceries. By the way, I went driving to the supermarket. That was sure a blast. I only let the engine die once, and I am still bit bad in parking on the line, but who cares: practice will make perfection someday.

But, as my traditional luck, after I had passed all the stuff through the cashier and packed, I found out daddy´s card is not working. Nor mine. Because we use the same damn card, and there was a problem with the system in the whole area. I mean, i couldn´t buy anything nor even withdraw some cash, because the system wasn´t working. So I had to leave all my groceries behind and pray the gas would be enough to take me back home, for I wouldn´t be able to buy fuel either, unless I had another type of card - which I do, actually, but since I applied for that two days ago, I still don´t have it on my hands so, nevermind.
Anyway, how come we get to this point, when a little I-dunno-what-the-fuck-happened with a "system", decides if I can or cannot spend my very own money, which I made to deserve? It´s somewhat shameful when we spend more than we can really afford, but when I actually have the money but still gotta leave my stuff behind because of a fucked up "system", boy, that´s when I simply get pissed off.

So, that´s it: no matter how much money I have, this means that anytime, because of a, let's suppose, solar flare, I can die of starvation or sickness - in case I need an urgent medication - because the system is down? How great to notice!

Because of this, I´ll have to wake up early tomorrow and try to buy the ingredients for lunch again.I am pretty sure the system will be back online by then, for it´s a monday. 


I just doubt my dad will borrow me the car, for the same reason.

Day 1: To Caesar what´s Caesar´s salad

So, part of the family got together today to celebrate the youngest girl's first birthday. A pity that my grandma wasn´t there, since she got this terrible cold. Blame it on the shitty weather.

I like kids parties. But I confess the best part is the food: birthday cake, sweets, lollies, hot dogs, popcorn and all this junk we don´t usually have all together at once, unless in occasions like these. I ate a lot, maybe too much, but I´m so skinny that would sound ridiculous if I say I care. 

By the way,I tried some outfits I intend to take on my Lonelymoon. Must confess I liked what the mirror showed me. I might not be in my best shape ever, but I can still break some hearts. Hope so. Hope not.

Actually I´m more interested in mending mine.

Day 0: International credit

So, I woke up early (for my current standards), took a shower and went out to show the world my beautiful shining face. Yeah, there has been a lot of stuff bothering and putting me down, but I´m trying hard not to think about it, so let´s focus on what there is still good about my life.
I went to the bank to get a damn credit card. Not because I like it or even intend to use it , but I was told now there´s a rule about travelling overseas that demands an international credit card, so I´m taking one. I don´t want any problems with the immigration, and some people that have been there told me that I know nothing about a fucked up immigration process before getting through it at the very airport where I´ll get my first flight connections. Great.

I hate to go banking. I hate that damn "roulette" doors that makes me claustrophobic. And I have this terrible paranoia that the bank will be robbed exactly when I´m in there, and I´ll be the one taken for hostage. In fact I never suffered any of these big city distresses. I guess I just let my personal unsecureness get into my practical life. It will pass as soon as I find my self confidence back.

And get the hell out of this metropolis.

All about me

Day...by day...by day...by day...I am not even counting anymore. I wake up everyday by 11 a.M, go to sleep by midnight, don´t plan or care about how the day will pass by. I don´t really have anything interesting to do, but wait. And since I fucking hate waiting, I don´t feel ashamed in sleeping more than 10 hours straight, or spending two or more days in a row without leaving the house. As if there was anything for me but stress outside. And I don´t want to get stressed: it ruins my skin. And I´ll need all my perfection in a few weeks.

I´m working on it. I was working out, actually, but kinda gave up. My thighs were getting too thick, and though it looked pretty nice in skirts,my pants were getting harder to fit in, and this is no good: I was dumb enough to shopping for the big event way too much time before the big day, and now I don´t have money to buy new clothes in case the ones I bought don´t fit anymore. Smarty me...

Now my worries are: should I grow my nails or keep it short? Should I dye my hair or bleach it? And what kind of accesories would go best with my new blouses?

Yeah, I´ll enjoy every minute of my right of being futile, useless, shallow. 

I know it won´t last, anyway.

No FRIENDS in the friendzone. Just morons trying to score.

Great. Day by day I´m getting more and more sure I have no friends at all. And worse: I found out that I´m turning into the villain of my own damn situation, because the morons  who were supposed to be my friends are now making me feel guilty about "keeping them in the friend zone", instead of seeing how wonderful men they are.
Point is, that I´m not even questioning either if they are that wonder or not: I´M NOT SEARCHING FOR A MAN, is that so hard to take it? In fact, I don´t even want to search anymore, I don´t even think about it, because if there is a lesson that life taught me well was that LOVE HAPPENS. There´s no use in chasing it, nor in waiting anxiously for it to arrive to our lives: it just happens when it´s gotta happen. Try to push the situation and all you´ll get is a handful of pain. But if you focus on living your life and doing the right stuff to be done in the appropriated time, don´t worry, for you won´t be a foreveralone, unless you want it.
And probably even if you want it, you´ll be surprised by love sooner than you would expect.

I need a friend.
And this seems to the the hardest thing to find.

I dare you..!

Are there any good children in here?

Well, hello again!
Nah, nothing really good happened, I´m just getting myself drunk. That´s a nasty problem about me: I´m hardly an alcoholic, but if there´s booze around: I´ll drink. I can easily go through months - I made it for years- without a sip of alcohol, but if there´s any available, I´m probably having it until the last drop. same with cigarettes: I actually never considered myself either a smoker or not: I love smoking, it´s not about nicotine addiction. I´m not the kind of person who goes out late at night in wintertime because ran out of cigs, but if there are any, I´m probably smoking as much as I can. I also like cigars and narghile and those classic Bali- Hai indian bidis.

Tomorrow is "Valentine´s Day" here. It has nothing to do with St. Valentin, in fact it´s St. Anthony´s eve - and he´s considered a "guardian" or something for couples and people in love. A damn lovers holiday, anyway.
Am I a lover? Yes, indeed.
A pretty hurt fucked up die-hard one.

Cheers!

I don´t give a fuck if I shouldn´t say so...

...but truly, the only thing that could make this stupid monday any little brighter would be to know that some very specifical bunch of people no longer breathes.

Ok, it´s not the only thing. But it´s the easier.

Rather than anthropology

It doesn't matter what your birth certificate says...I'm pretty sure you were born for me.

Don´t ask

...life´s just too weird to understand sometimes.

:)

What do you do when the pain is so much more than you can take?

BITCH in training

Ok, I got it. Just had the ultimate lesson there´s just NO USE in trying to be a good person in this world.

To be sincere I´m not even sure anymore if I am being a good example acting my best and advising people to do the same, to take others in consideration, to not to hurt other peoples feelings. Don´t cheat, don´t lie, don´t offend anyone, what for? 

They´ll do that to you. Be sure they will at every single opportunity. Sorry , I´m not christian enough to take this suffering as a ticket to heaven or anything like it. And  to be sincere, no matter how much I believe there´s way much more for my spirit in this universe than this mere damn human existence, I  just don´t want to take things as they are anymore. If I´m not the wrong one, why the fuck am I the only one who´s not laughing?

What´s the point in teaching our children good things? They will soon notice it doesn´t work. Because it doesn´t. Wanna have fun? Get wasted, have irresponsible sex, drive way over the speed limit, act like a tramp and forget about what anyone will think. Fuck if you´re breaking anyone´s heart, betraying anyone´s friendship, there´s just no such a thing. 

Be your own world. Have your own fun. Because life is short and that´s pretty much all you´ll take from it.

Yeah, I´ll probably burn in hell for this. But who cares. At least for now I´ll have a laugh, then. Suffer to suffering, it will only get hotter.

Sober thinking

Okay, since this subject finally came from the bottom of my heart maybe I can write a few lines about it to wash this tears away.
The end of my marriage does hurt still. Not because of the person who left me. Actually time showed me that I am really happier without him. I´m finding myself again. This was more than a lesson to myself, that I should not give me up, for I´m more worthy and valuable than I actually knew, and I won´t forget that now in this new quest for a fairytale in life.
I just hope that lesson number two is not that there is no fairytales at all in this world. I´m not buying that. I´ve seen it happen, so if there´s no happy ending for me I can bleedingheartedly take it, but don´t you come telling me there´s no space for true happiness in this world. There is, I´ve even been there for a while, and damn, I won´t bury myself as long as I can live a second of it at least once again in this fucking existence.

Call me crazy, call me sick, whatever you might think, I´ll keep on thinking that you are the sick wackos. You´re already here, you´re already as human as everyone living in the face of this lighter layer of hell itself, and you still think it´s worthy to make things even more complicated and pessimist and worse than it already is. You´re fucking nuts!! F U C K I N G N U T S.

You know what? You may want to wallow in this threshold. I don´t. And even if this whole world is going to shit, I think at least the healthy decision to make would try to get out of it instead of digging to sink faster.

Over and out.

Why?

 That´s what comes to my mind sometimes when I´m writing this. Why? What for? I don´t truly intend to offend anyone who might read that.
Well, actually it´s a good point to start... since I don´t really tell about this blog to anyone who might identify themselves with the (bad) stuff I write here. It´s more like an escaptre. Here I can badmouth these stupid girls, these butt ugly boys, and specially, the fucking crazy things about this world that I just don´t understand. Well, to be sincere, there´s just one thing in this Earth I don´t really understand: people. Not at all, not a bit. I wonder if you humans realize how senseless you are. And I know, I´m sure you don´t.

I´m just not sure myself if either I should laugh or cry about it. Lately, I´ve been mostly crying. But since I got more than aware that no matter what I or other people do, this _will never change_, I´m starting to think I´m better start laughing or else I might loose the only true chance of taking a joke out of this all.

before it´s too late

Parental advisory

If you don't love kids, don't have them. If you´re not willing to spend some nights wide awake sober and singing lullabies, don´t have them. If you don´t like to go out and play some sports, even when you don´t know any, don´t have them. If you´re not up to listen to stupid melodies over and over until you know all the lyrics by heart, don´t have them. If you like to calmly get ready to go anywhere and never worry if someone might throw up on your best outfit, don´t have them.

If you´re not ready to love someone for the rest of your life, don´t have them.
If you don´t believe in true happiness no matter what, don´t have them.

But if you ever dreamed about becoming someone´s world...

There´s no better feeling.

Tomorrow is monday, and I don´t give a damn!

Vacations, finally! This week was my last at the office, and I dunno if I said that already. I am just way too lazy of reading past posts to figure this out. Today was sunday and though nothing really special happened I laughed my ass off at some point with my best snowmen telling me at the same time how bad hangovers they had. I felt like asking them if they were at the same party last night, but I know they weren´t. That´s why I like these guys..!

What else? I´m turning orange. Yes, O R A N G E. The color. I had the brilliant idea of buying one of that self-tanning lotions, so I wouldn´t be so office-white when wearing a bikini on the foreign summer, BUT...unless this miserable winter sun can do anything for me, you dears will deal with my snow white small ass. No bikini marks, no tan, no tropical wonders

Yes, a little.
Why do you ask..?

This has got to change

Diggin out some 10 years past Shakira´s hit.

Objection..!

The Labyrinth

Are you afraid of yourself
When left alone at night
Nothing but silent truth
Whispering loud inside your mind
Can´t take it
She will remember your name
When gone in misery
The spiral gets downwards
To the dark hell you can not see
She´s blinded
Roses can make you bleed
Sharp thorns deep inside of your skin
You love the beauty that will drain you weak and steal your soul
Choose your way, you cannot stay
Choose your death, it won´t be late
Don´t forget this life is short and you can start to count your days
There´s no point in wait for more
We´ve been through it all before
Caught in wires on the trap you took so long to build for your own fate
Remember the only reason you use the same words
Is that you don´t speak the same tongue
Communication is a fail
Misunterstood as blessing
Creative creatures creating the perfect stage scene
A mix of joy, wonders and pain that hurts from within
Play the game you always win
Same old safe home, same rotten dream
Following Ariadne´s trail of tears

Morning thoughts

I feel sorry for these people who are always complaining about how miserable their lives are for one reason or another that lies usually in their very own hands. And I feel that I have mine tied up, because no matter how much I appreciate the ones in question, I can´t just go there and say: "Yeah, you´re way too fat, and truly I have no idea how you expect to fix it having tequila the way you do!" or "Yeah, your boyfriend is an asshole, so why the heck are you still with him if he doesn´t even fulfill your lower expectations?". Even better: "So you cheat on your wife because she´s too jealous and this bothers you...never thought she can be jealous exactly because you´re a cheater?"

I´m not saying this because I have no complicated relationships or problems, in fact I´m a master on the subject. But one thing I kinda got to get rid in my life was  self-pity. If I´m fat, I know exactly why. If I don´t like my body, exercise will do better than mumbling. And isn´t that obvious that I have a totally fucked up love life? Believe me: if I stick to the son of a dear, either he´s too good to miss or I´m crazy. I am completely aware of the answer I chose and I´m quite happy with it.

Am I truly a good friend to the ones I can´t help?
I´m starting to question this.

Step #2 : Keep typing

I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...

Step #1: Keep drinking

I was talking to a friend earlier today and he made me notice drinking should be something social. Yes, I completely agree. Point is that I am a writer, and there´s a million letters I can be social with, without having to take my butt out of the couch and go to a bar or something, or call someone. And just to make it clear: I´m not drinking because I´m sad or want to forget about something:I´m just doing so because I feel like it, I´m in the mood, I work hard and I pay my bills, so, get the fuck off if this bothers you anyhow.
 Besides, I don´t know anyone at the moment I´d call to share a drink with me right now. To be sincere, most of the people I know this days either have a life or don´t have a brain at all.  No, I´m not in the mood of marrying the night, I´m not up to go out huntng for sex , I don´t even want to make any new friends: I just want to have a drink and a nice time conversation, that´s all. But it seems to be too much to ask, without having to deal with endless conversations about meaningless relationships or without having to make clear all the time to the guy that it´s not a fucking date.

Sun day again!

Another morning in Hamalka´s life to welcome the ones who just wanna have fun - but eventually fails.
I looked in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth and noticed that for a long time and in a bunch of occasions I tried to pretend being something I´m not, just not to bother some people that truly, I never liked. And these people mostly never liked me aswell. What for? I dunno, this human urge to fit in. In what? A world that it´s not worthy and is obviously falling apart. Why would I want to be part of it? I dunno.

There´s so many things in this world people dislike. And if you´re not in for the same things I´m searching for, maybe it´s better for us to split up, so noone will blame other later because of the chains that were never meant to exist. I might be too crazy for you, and you´re probably right. You´re way too normal for me and this world itself doesn´t fit me. Normal is boring.

BORING is all that I don´t want life to be. I dunno what comes next, so better to enjoy right now.

I´m alive and well!

Shining now

Well, hello there!

I won´t make any comments on the past few posts, specially the Jäger-typing stuff. I only today noticed that even the layout is fucked up, and I have no idea why.
Yesterday, though, I was just incredible happy. Have reasons to. Have lots of. Just had one of these moments when you stop whining and look around, all the blesses you have, and you start thinking "Hey, maybe life doesn´t suck that much, afterall!" Eventually it will pass and I´ll be back to the same old grumpy me, but not today either. I´m still happy. The world may be going to shit, but I don´t feel like paying attention to it right now.

It´s very nice when someone says you´re good in what you do best. It´s very nice when you have friends you can call just to say how much you care. It´s very nice to go outside and see the sun is shining and your pockets aren´t empty. It´s very nice to look in the mirror and likes what you see.

It´s very nice to be me
At least for today.

Ol´Hamalka is feeling fine.

ALEGRIA

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

ALEGRIA!!

If you believe in God, it´s God
If you believe in fate, it´s Fate
If you believe in nothing...it´s Nothing!

THANK YOU ANYWAY..!!!!

Jäger typing

So, ol' Hamalka was walking down the street when she suddenly notice she was a guy. After peeing on a tree, she went on dancing and singing on the streets and decided it was more than time to go to bed, but she was afraid of leaving the fireplace burning unattended, so she enjoyed a bit more of the warmth and thought "Gee, if I´m waiting to all this fire to burn I´ll stay up to the morning and I have a busy day tomorrow, so maybe I could extinguish the fire by throwing some liquid on it!" Of course it was the dumbest idea ever and soon the house was all steamy in a way she could barely see her nose. Then downstairs comes her mother and asked what the hell was happening and ol´ Hamalka started to laugh making pretty obvious she´s been drinking again. "I´m happy"- she said - "And I think you should too, for it´s already friday, friday, gotta get down on friday..!"
Hamalka´s mom pretended she didn´t notice and went back to bed, as Hamalka went looking for some Coke (the drink, not the drug) and when she opened the refrigerator she found two coxinhas and ate it. Cold coxinhas don´t rule. At all. But Hamalka is hungry.
Then she remembered she didn´t have her workout routine and thought would be better to seize the moment, but tradmill jogging after "n" glasses of Jäger are not really useful to body health purposes, and thought "Gee, I am really in need of doing something instead of sleeping, for if I go to sleep right now I´ll just waste a good drunky-non-wasted-time." And Hamalka became a girl again and came back online to write all this nonsense just because she feels like it and wants to know how much shit she can write about nothing at all.


Just because I am Hamalka. Just because I can.


:D

Keeping the flow

Truly, I don´t like to use this blog as a deposit for my complaints, but in fact I feel more likely to post here when I´m down, pissed off or way to horny to have a decent conversation with anyone without getting too offensive. By now I´m pretty sure you´re all aware of how much this lack of sex stresses me and how I do deal with it by fantasizing and posting naughty stuff. Though these days I noticed that my sexual desires are getting lower and lower, and I wonder if soon I´ll just forget about it. I don´t even feel like masturbating, writing or watching porn anymore, and I wonder if I should start to get worried about it. Mr. Red is gone, I wonder if he´ll ever come back to my dreams.

For you, naughty readers, I hope so. This will get really boring in no time if all you can get from me is my grumpyness. Or maybe not. I can asure you all I´m really good in bitching.

Both ways and someway.

I know I should be WORKING..!

...but this is so freaking HILARIOUS!!

That would make me happy by now...

*You can GET chocolate.
*"If you love me you'll swallow that"; has real meaning with chocolate.
*Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
*You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
*You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
*If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
*Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
*The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
*You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
*You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
*You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
*With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
*Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
*You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
*Good chocolate is easy to find.
*You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
*You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
*When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
*With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
*A chocolate never tells you they liked you better with long hair.
*A chocolate never snaps your bra or pinches your bum.
*Chocolate can stay hard for a week
*You can safely have chocolate while driving.
*It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
*You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your chocolate.
*You won't find out later that your chocolate is married.
*You won't find out later that your chocolate is on penicillin.

Crucify me..!

...the way things are going, this is the best I can expect.

Bored ´til death do us part

Yes, I know. It´s been a fucking long time.

Actually, still I don´t have much to write about here. I´ve been doing some boring office work, and since I´ve been spending most of the day at the office and I get home wasted of working everyday, I don´t really feel like sitting again in front of the computer and writing whatsoever. A few good things happened, nothing extraordinary. Didn´t have any really bad news yet, so I´d say life´s going okay.
To be sincere, life´s getting into that funny loops when no matter how hard I try to screw things up, they end up kinda right. Not that I´m willing to ruin my own life, just that I started to not give a flying rats ass for a bunch of stuff I do should worry about, but I don´t feel like it. My job, particulary. And other things that were draining the hell out of me and really doing bad for my skin.
I bet it´s the damn hormones. I always knew that lack of sex makes us uglier. I know because I was a creepy creature until I lost my virginity, and since then I probably didn´t spend so much time without sex like now, and I´m butt ugly again, so there´s no way I´d say it´s just a coincidence.
What else? My father´s favourite dog is dying. Of course it´s sad, but when you have in mind that the dog was taken out of the street as a sick puppy 20 years ago, I wonder if any pet could have had a better life. Gee, I wish someone would take me off this lonely cold empty love street my life is , take me home and love me forever until I die of aging.
And speaking of cold, it´s still a damn freezing cold weather outside.
And dropping.
I´m not sure if I believe in global warming anymore.

A night to remember

Just came home from the Unisonic concert. What a blast! After a long time without actually seein a good, great heavy metal gig, that was sure a present from the gods. Well, maybe not from the gods, but from a dear friend who sure became dearer after this night. We saw the concert from the very VIP section and I danced, screamed and sang my lungs off as I haven´t been doing in such a long time, and for sure I don´t remember getting this wild anytime before. I went completely crazy from the very first song and wasn´t even me there when they finished the gig with Helloween´s "Future World" and then "I Want Out". Brought back memories.

After that we still were up enough to a last drink, so we went to a 7-11. A lot of Sonata Arctica, Cain´s Offering and histories of times to come. Big finish for a night that I´d say it´s the first of a lifetime ahead.I´m back.

Let the good times begin again..!

...'cuz there's a million ways to make my day.

fucking you miss I

Tired as hell, I don´t really feel like writing anything.

At least not here, not now, and sure not to all of you.

Just one.

And you know who you are...

Up date

What a fucked up week / weekend. And the nightmare is just beginning.

My job is freaking killing me. I just found out I have no patience whatsoever to deal with rich spoiled girls, and even less with people who has no money, but a lot of prepotence. Humbleness is a blessing, my dears, and sure money can't buy you class. Get real.

Back to the practics: everyday I have more and more stuff to do. Stuff which, by the way, I don´t have a clue about. The good point: I´m learning a lot of new things. The bad point: if I screw things up, it will sure be my fault. Modern companies don´t seem to care if you have experience, but if you have the guts of taking the challenge. "I´m game". Will eventually wreck it all at some point, but who wouldn´t? If they want to push me through, I want to see how far I can get.

Anyway, I´m outta here soon...Days are numbers.

Happy Mother´s Day

Crossing the line

I´m getting pretty pissed  with the attitudes of some men I know. Truly. I am starting to think that maybe I´m not just a little bit conservative: maybe I´m  just way too fucking square for this world nowadays.

In fact, when it comes to sex among overage people I believe that everything counts as long as everybody is having fun. But I don´t know how things got to the point that, since I got divorced, I´m getting to realize I´m the only one in the world who´s not into cheating. I didn´t cheat on my ex, and - to whom it may concernt - I won´t cheat on YOUR GIRL either.

I´m just amazed by the number of taken guys who dared to ask me for a casual encounter. And they are not even strangers: all of them are my friends. Really: my friends! People I know and sometimes have been knowing for ages, I know some of their wives, for God´s sake..! More than a handful of my married / engaged / commited somehow friends actually made a move on me as soon as they knew I was divorced..! Some of them, even long before I tell them.

Really, I prefere to think they had heard the news from somewhere.

I know it´s not up to me to end our friendship for that: each one knows what´s good to its own...But I think it´s pretty sad. Some of these guys are good guys I´d think were perfect husbands if they had never made a move on me being married. Worse: most of them even make it clear it´s not about commitment or relationship.. Just a "friendly time" or something. What the heck do they take me for?? This just makes me sad. Where did all the respect go? No wonder trust is so hard to get nowadays..!

Am I overreacting? What would you feel if you knew your partner is doing the same to your relationship? Just harmless fun, isn´t it? Unless you tell me right now that you truly wouldn´t matter because you have a very clearly open relationship, I doubt you´d think that this kind of fun is healthly acceptable.
And just to make sure I´m not being hypocrite here, I´ll confess once again that yes, I´ve been the girl, I´ve been the other girl, and exactly because of that I know that what comes around goes around. I was young and stupid and a fucking bad girl that didn´t give much of a crap to other people´s feelings, but I learnt my lesson the most freackingly painful way, before I even met my ex-husband.

So, here´s the deal, once and for all:

If you´re taken, don´t waste your time on me.I can´t waste mine while there´s so many interesting singles out there. And if you´re really my friend, you´ll introduce me to your wife and we´ll enjoy family barbecues.Because I´m this worthy.

If you´re going to fuck up your life, fuck yourself.

♥ attack

It was a dark,stormy night. The sun was shining upon the blue sky and there were birds and butterflies everywhere as she wrote on a sheet of paper:

           " I love you. Not like when we say that to a friend, nor like in " I love ice cream". I truly don´t want to compare you to a bar of chocolate or an afternoon at the beach - and sure I love those things too. I mean, I really love you. Like as if my heart was empty everytime I miss you. As if I had finally found love in a hopeless place. Well, it´s not that hopeless afterall, for I did find you...

 I want to embrace you, cover you in kisses, I want to smile at you looking deep into your shining eyes. I want you to raise me up and spin me around until we both want to throw up. We´ll literally roll on the floor, laughing. We´re good at it. And if we´re ever going to cry, let´s do it together.

        Love will hurt us eventually, I´ll suffer with or without you by my side, because that´s what life is: not always easy, not always funny: hardly the fairytale some stupid girls might believe. Love itself ends up to show what it is really made of, and it´s more for us in it than just happiness. There is growth, fellowship, conscience, evolution, and such great gifts are not always reached by easy paths.

 You´ve gotta love the one through whom you receive these lessons, or else life would be just way too hard, if you only get slapped by your enemies all the time you are just breeding hate. The lessons we learn comes from the hands we love.

       What I am saying is that if life would suck anyway, it would suck less by your side. Life´s not perfect, nor me, nor you. But damn, if I could only enjoy more of both..! I want to be with you and wake you up every bad hair morning, say hello with you to every sunshine, I want to find out what are the favourite dishes you are yet to try, I want to find out every little thing that would slowly drive you mad, I want to find everyday a new day to surprise you and make you believe I was made for you as much as I think you ´re the one for me.  I wish this deeply with every little beat of my heart. I want to be the arms you run to when you need and want. I want to smell like confort and trust to you. I want to know what it takes to fill your eyes with tears of joy, and I will dedicate the whole rest of my life in bring them to water the flowers that we´ll grow together.

        Still all I can for the future is to wish. For now is living, and I chose this feeling. Life is already perfect. I´ll love you forever. For better, for worse. No one could take your place. There is no happy ending for us. Just happy.

Hope you still remember. And call me when the moon is full. "

Girl on the edge

Fuck this shit, I´m so pissed off at everything. My life seems to be going to hell every little damn minute and I just have no idea how to take this easily. I´ve been so stressed my skin looks like shit. I look like shit. A sick horse shit. There´s so much shit on this post I can smell it from here.

I´m definitely making a click-out of my life. I don´t give a flying fuck to my life right now, I am sick and tired of trying to help people that just don´t want to be helped, and plus: I´m waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tired of being a stepping stone for some people I truly thought that was my friend.

Wanna know what? I´m counting the days, the hours, the minutes until I can just fly over this all, c-ya, I´m outta here. For at least three weeks I don´t even want to remember you guys exist. In fact, I hope that I have completely forgotten about you by then.

I need to feel that thrill again. I need to go find myself somewhere else, I need to rescue the strong daring me I once was, and more than anything...

I FUCKING NEED TO GET LAID!!

#thatsit

Do you hear or fear, or do I smash the mirror..?

It´s easy to me or to anyone, I guess, to go out blaming on someone else for all we´ve been missing out of life. Point is that there´s no one to blame than myself. I was the stupid one. I allowed myself to be.
Why does good things as we call love and dedication ends up turning against us, keeping us from the real happiness? How in the world can one be so blindfolded that can´t even see self? How come I need a mirror to truly believe I exist?

I feel like Tommy Walker. Just went through times so hard that for a long time all I could see was my own shadow. So absorbed, so deep in myself trying to figure out how to live with the darkest inside me, that I just didn´t realize there was so much life outside myself. And a whole new world waiting for me to decipher, devour, decode. Where was I but wasting it?

If it hurts, therefore I´m alive. This should do.

A laugh for now

Big city nights

Really, I tried to get crazy tonight. I was really in the mood of painting the city red, but somehow, thanks to my usual luck, everything went wrong from the start. So, here I am: home in my pajamas, drinking a glass of pure cognac, smoking - of course - and writing about a long time ago.

I´m sick and tired of this big city life. It´s just too much rush, noise, pollution, and very little love among the huge skyscrappers everywhere. Point is, if this metropolis is great to the ones who dream of make a living, I´m way too little greedy to take this shitty life forever. I never thought about getting millionaire, I just want a little love from this life before the show is over.
I´m strongly thinking about taking another great leap and just leave. I actually have somewhere to go, all it takes is courage. I´m brave enough to cross the planet, but blood freezes if the future is just around the corner. That´s me.

I am Hamalka.

The only kind of sex I´ve been having for way too long now...

Quick turn off

-You ´re not telling me what´s wrong, are you..?
-Nothing is wrong.
-So you are.

A moment of bliss

I have no idea whatta fuck I am doing to my life, but truly, I feel good. There´s something telling me my time had finally arrived.
I never had too much ambition in life anyway, and ended up I have it all. What more could I ask for? I´m so in love with myself now and with my life, I´m ready for new challenges, new balances and horizons. There´s a whole new me to unfold and this feels so magical. I just stepped out one stage and am about to start a new chapter of my so crazy story, that if it wasn´t my own life, truly, I´d never believe it.

- May I have this dance..?



I want to fly
I want to be
I want kiss eternity
I have a dream
I have a time
Tomorrow is a friend of mine
To you and me...

We are free.
Indeed.

Just chilling...

14° - fucking - degrees and dropping. And there´s people who still insists that there´s no such a thing as climate and weather change. Yeah, yeah, the global warming is just a nasty bedtime story to scare the ambientalists and hippie friendly people while they buy more of that eco friendly crap. Everything is fine, let´s pretend it´s pretty normal to be this cold by this time of the year. Let´s also ignore the exceptional floods in South America and just pray for a hell out of a hot summer in northern Europe.

Amen.