Romantic

How can it be that today all I can think about, is your smile at the altar, you watching me approach in a bridal gown.
"Do you really consider being on a serious relationship with me?" - a memory of your voice still echoes, as the answer warms my spirit.
I dunno how to be anyone else's, but yours only.
I never wanted anyone else, but you only.
I dunno love, without you.

 <3

Morning dreams

I could indeed be here for hours.
Spreaded legs, pussy opened, tied to your will. And I who was the one full of initiative and domination games, am now like a toy. Accessible,available, with my dripping holes served.
I wanna know what happens when there's no limits.

My pussy would be chewing your cock right now...

It's been almost 100 days since my pussy had last been fucked good. After being banged by that beloved massive cock, nothing was ever worthy enough to penetrate his domains again. Silently in the middle of the night a big cold dildo has been filling up my asshole while my fingers are playing along my enhardened clit, sliding across my dripping pussy, that begs to be banged.

I feel my cunt so hot and swollen, so hungry for your dick... I can think about a thousand ways and situations I could be sitting on it right now.  With my tits jumping on your face or being squeezed by your outrageous hands...

I am wearing nothing from the waist down, with my pussy I can feel the texture of the towel I covered the chair with. It's getting wet, I knew it would...It could be your pants instead. Your underwear. Your tights. I'd rub my pussy to your tight so you can feel how wet I am. And I didn't even touched anything, both hands busy with writing.

I spread my legs and force more juice out. Feel it dripping over my asshole. With a fingertip, I spread the moist carefully . Tingling my clit so it would keep flowing. I needed to lube it good to start the insertion.

With my fingers slowly moving in and out my anus, I am all ready to have my butt penetrated. The cold head of the dildo forces its way in. My pussy is so envy ,it contracts, making it difficult for the rubber dick to fuck me. I take a deep breathe, relax. hold the dildo firmly and move my hips up and down, swallowing it with my ass. I am enjoying every milimeter that it pounds into my asshole. The mirror reflects the image of the penis shaped object being buried between my buttcheeks.

My pussy is drooling, crying, as the moving fingers just pretend they'll penetrate it. My ass is now completely filled, throbbing around the toy dick. Another one comes to action and I rub it against my pussy and clit. I can only resist shoving it in because it's not the cock I want inside me. The eager for that hot pulsating meat to bang my juicy soaked pussy, wouldn't be satisfyed by a toy.

Yeah, I'm still thinking about your hand, pushing the dildo inside my ass, while the other teases my cunt while you lick my clit. I'd scream in pleasure, but I'm choked on your cock, feeling your precum taste on my throat, with your balls hitting my face. You're forcing into me and slapping my cunt, calling me a slut and saying I must be loving it. That you'll make me beg to have cock inside my pussy, but you were going to rip loose my other holes first.

Again you'll slap my pussy, then take your cock out of my mouth. Make up is ruined, face is smeared on body fluids, you violently rub your dick against my face, slapping my cheeks with it. And with your hand, before turning around and taking position between my spreaded legs. Only this vision almost makes me cum... would you fuck me at once, roughly and deeper than ever... or would you do it slowly... a bit at a time... And then make me scream, make me beg, feel me fight and convulse over the need of having your cock inside me, fucking my pussy, banging the hell out of me as if you didn't care if I would like.

You'd finish then by fucking my gaped ass until you creampie me - and I can't hold your hot load in, I I can almost feel it dripping down my legs... 

I open my eyes and see in the mirror just the loneliness of the room, and my asshole getting red of swallowing the toydick up and down, glittering in pussy juice. One touch and I will cum...

I moan, as I imagine your own voice moaning close to my ears. Your every sensorial memory can turn me on. Your voice, and the sensation between my legs. The dream of holding you close, of dripping your sperm, of being your princess and your slave, as long as always your fight partner and your best friend, your little slut, your fuck doll. Spit on my pussy as you finger fuck me just to enjoy me suffer the aftershocks. I know you are that kind of guy.

I know I am your kind of girl.

Привет, Россия!

Спасибо за аудиторию и извините Mario Fernandes...

Girls Night In

He wasn't home. And that night, I decided I was going out of my antisocial shell, too.
"Gotta have fun, life can't be all about work", I thought. Remembering the days when life was a party, I started to question myself if I was becoming just a bitter hermit who'd always prefere to be working and studying as a nice excuse not to take any invitations to go and have some irresponsible times a little. Ok, not irrresponsible, but at least some time for me, for not having to worry about anything else.
I decided to call this one close friend, whose invitations I'm always declining - although nowadays she's pretty much the only that still insists on inviting me.

"- So, are you up for a wild party or just a cup of coffee? - she cheerfully asked, happy that we would finally meet after a long time.
"-Gee, I dunno...I don't even know any places to go nowadays, so long I've been stuck at this desk..."
"- Well, do you have to be back home soon?"

I looked at the clock. It wasn't even 6 p.m.

"-Nah." -I told her -"I have the whole night."
"-Have you had dinner already?" - she asked.
"-Nope. In fact I hadn't even thought about that."
"-Good, then I have an idea: why don't we go out to dinner and see what happens next?"
"-I..." - I sighed -"I actually have a lot of food here, I haven't been bothering to cook , due to all this rush...What do you think about coming over, I can prepare something to us, we have some wine , catch up on the gossips, and then we think about where to take the party to..."
"- Deal, then. I have a nice Carmenére for us. What time should I show up?"
"- Oh, you can come anytime. I just showered and am here kinda doing nothing."
" - Same here...Should I go rightaway, then?"
"- Sure, I'll be waiting."

 I called the front desk and made notice I was waiting for my friend's visit, that she could come right upstairs. Then I  went to the kitchen to take a look of the available ingredients, and think what we should cook. While preparing the kitchen, my phone vibrated and I smiled at one more of that sweet messages. "How is your night, babe? " followed by a couple of kissing emojis. " A friend is coming over, we're having dinner here, and probably will go out for a drink or dancing bit later..." - I answered. "Night is still young there" - he added with a winking emoji. "I love your cooking, maybe I should rush home and join you..."

"Yes, I wish..!" - I thought. I was craving so bad for his return already. The insane amount of work I had to deal with in the past days was actually distracting me for the painful longing of his skin against mine. Now that everything was in its places, the empty apartment had plenty of room for missing his presence in every little corner: his perfume on his clothes in the closet. Our pictures framed on the walls. His silent guitar resting on the living room. His pillow dressed in untouched silk case on his tidy side of the bed. From the shelves, I pick one of our favorite albuns and let the music pay me company.

"Someone's in such an 80's mood tonight..!" - My friend's cheerful voice is heard through the song . I turn over and there she is, opening arms in a hug, carrying a bottle one hand and a bag on the other. "I dunno where we are going afterwards, so I brought a dress to change, in case the occasion demands" - she explained about the bag. She was already pretty dressed to kill, with a long, light skirt and an outrageous cleavage. "Well, yeah, I was thinking about going to the midnight mass at local church..." - I laughed.
"C'mon, I want the congregation to see how open-hearted I am..!"  "Excuse me, dear...I guess you mistook open hearted with breast naked..!" - I answered, trying to make up a priest's voice.

She left the bag aside, went to the kitchen and, feeling comfortable enough, found the glasses and started serving the wine. "Where's your lord, then? Busy somewhere, as always..?"
I nodded, taking the glass and smelling the wine. "He must be heading home tomorrow, today was the last day of working there and he went out with his mates to celebrate."
"We celebrate too, then." -she said, raising a toast. We both took a sip. "So, what's on the menu?"
"Well, since you mentioned Carmenére, I think pasta with tomato sauce will be an easy and pleasant choice to harmonize."
"Nailed it. And what about some provolone appetizers while we cook?"
"-Perfect. The cheese is over there at the board, you can cut it"

One hour and two bottles later, we had already finished dinner, and the dessert subject turned out into a rather funny story she was telling about her last date, who gifted her a box of chocolates, and when they ended up in bed later, he started inserting the candy into her pussy to melt, so he could lick it from her.
"Ohmygosh..!" - I laughed
"No, really..! At first I thought that was weird as hell, but then, who cares... I never had such a deep facefuck as that. His tongue was reaching up to my ovaries, I swear...I was only disappointed because he didn't leave one single chocolate for me to actually eat later..."
"But if he fucked you afterwards, you must have tasted it from his cock, I presume."
"Oh yes, I did... And it was great quality chocolate, I tell you. I sucked him so eagerly he ended up cumming in my mouth. And of course I swallowed it all..."

As we stepped into our bedroom, I was proud to see my friend was quite mesmerized. It was sure the most opulent room of the small apartment.  Angled mirror in the ceiling, indirect light, bondage hooks on the bed corners, virgin white furniture, clear flooring...and I had to show her all the indecent effects of the coloured lights and projections. As we shared a whisky from our very private collection, I was showing her the secrets of our playground. And that was actually making me wet.

"-You guys have a real dungeon here..."
"- A fancy-architectured one, yup."

We both fell silent. Looking at the lusty surroundings and the toys all over the bed, each one of that would bring at least one lascivious memory to my mind. And judging by my friend's looks, her imagination was going wild, too.

"This room makes me hot..!" - she gulped, finishing her whiskey.
"You want some more?" - I offered.
"No, thanks, I'm already drunk." - she refused, still short of words. I wondered if she was feeling the same, or at least kinda like me. Alcohol then filled its role: if she dared to enter my realms, maybe she could enjoy it a bit, aswell.

"-Do you...do you wanna cum?" - I asked, feeling the moist spreading on my cottom panties.
"-I'm not into woman, Hammy, I'm sorry..!" - she laughed. I smiled, thinking that if I was into her, I'd probably be pretty heartbroken by her answer. But my proposal was merely practical:

"I'm not talking about having sex with you, I just think we could play a little...I have a lot of fun toys and I know you'd like to use them, too..."
She said nothing. I took one of the dildos on the bed, dipped it in the whiskey on my glass and sucked it. She was watching me, a bit intimidated. I was in fact trying to make her comfortable, but that wasn't working.

"-So, you wanna know how I deal with loneliness while he's away.."

From the closet, I took out the white box , with some writing in japanese. And started assembling what at first sight can be taken for a sewing machine.  "What's this?"  my friend asked.
"Oh, the last anniversary gift my baby got us from his trips..." - I rapidly finished, and as I conected the dildo, she knew what it was. I turned it on, and the fucking machine slowly started to thrust the air.

My friend still said nothing, and I was starting just not to mind her presence. From the bedside stand I took a blister of scented lube, took of my skirt and pulled out my panties, feeling quite relieved in having my pussy free of its cotton mask. I was so wet that I had to be careful while touching it. I didn't want to cum yet.
I blasted the lube, and that flower-candy-ish smell filled the air.

"When he's away" - I explained, almost didatically, as i rubbed my asshole with the lube - "I don't ever penetrate my pussy, so I can keep it tight and hungry for his cock. But I love to keep my ass stretched... so he can fuck me roughly anytime."

Bare naked from my waist down, I regulated the machine's angle, feeling the pleasant menthol effect of the lube. Then I bended over the chair, spreading my legs and holding my buttocks open wide, feeling the dildo's head touching its target. Once I had aimed it perfectly, I relaxed my body and pushed the chair closer to the machine, feeling it go deeper.
Moaning as I was getting used to the stick sliding in and out, I took my phone and texted him "Dinner is over..." along with a selfie where he could guess what I was into.

My friend poured another dosis, probably just to do something, since she had refused one minutes before. I could see she was fascinated, but trying to look away. "Can you do me a favor?" - I asked her, bit panting, between the thrusts.- "Yes?" - she was kinda surprised that I was talking to her.
"-Open up this drawer and get me the nipple clamps, please?" -I asked
She opened the drawer where I keep my jewelry and seemed  confused. "I'm not sure what I'm searching for" - she said.
"-There are few pairs of them. Small thingies connected by a chain..."
"-Like these?" - she raised a silver-plated pair of clamps, pending from a strass-decorated chain.
"-Perfect." 

She handed me the exotic jewelry and watched closely as I put it on. "Doesn't it hurt..?" - she asked. "Not more than I enjoy" - I smiled at her. "Can you get me a pair of handcuffs, too?"  - there were some over the bed. She took the black ones, then looked again, and changed for the silver ones.

"-You're choosing. It's good..!" - I giggled. She smiled. I took the nipple clamps chain and held it up, between my lips. My nipples were starting to feel bit sore, and the pulling, combined to the slow, steady ass penetration, forced me to take a deep breath. "Help me with these...", I asked her to close the cuffs as I had my hands onto my back. I felt a shiver when I heard the click of the accessory closing.

"Thank you..!" - I said, making an effort not to drop the delicate chain from my mouth. "Now... can you take a picture, please?"
She took the phone, aimed the camera. I relaxed and faced the lenses, showing how good I was feeling. Rolled my tongue around the clamps chain and opened a slutty smile. She took a couple of shots and was putting the phone down, but I ask her to go on. "Keep shooting... now the fun is actually starting..!"

Well, she smiled. That bitch was finally comfortable at last. And so was I. She went for another angles, as I kept looking straight to the camera while I could - because at some point, she approached from behind me. I could see her then reflected on the mirror. She was crouching pretty close to my behind, clicking the details of the massive rubber cock that never stopped invading me. My dripping pussy was staining the chair, and she let me know it was a worthy click.

"Your butt hole..it doesn't close anymore." - she watched it so closely I could feel her breath on it.
"Pour a little lube on it, please..!" I moaned. "Film it while you do it."

She pressed the tube from up and I felt the cold drops running down my buttcrack, as the dildo was pushing its way in again. Then I noticed the machine was going faster- my friend increased the speed without an ask or a warn. I couldn't think, anyway. I was flowing out in pleasure and felt I was about to cum.
It came like an earthquake, and I screamed. Tied up and stuck between the chair and the fucking machine, I couldn't move much. For about ten seconds, I lost conscience of everything around me - including the neighbours, that surely could hear me roar.

"Turn it off..!" - I begged. "Turn it off..!", I repeated, even when she had already did it, and was then releasing me from the handcuffs. ( I swear I didn't tell her the trick of how to open it without the keys, which makes me think she wasn't that unfamiliar with some of my tricks...)

 I fell upon the bed. Panting. Laughing. That was just great. "Give me the phone, I want to see how it went..!" - I started scrolling through the pictures and short clips she had made, while sipping on the whisky that she served, but never touched. "Ohmygosh, that's soooo delicious..!" - I laughed. "Are you sure you don't want to try a round?" - I insisted, as if we were talking about a carousel.

"-Okay, you convinced me..!" - she surrendered. I cheered like a teenager :
"-So, choose your weapon and get in position!"
She undressed her skirt, laid in bed and took off her panties, exposing her totally wet, glossy pussy. I connected the toy of her choice and rearranged the machine angle to fuck her in a gynecological position.

"Handcuffs?" -I offered. "No!" -she laughed. "But I guess I could try the nipple clamps..."

She freed her big, firm silicon breasts out of the cleavage, her perfect nipples already popped hard. I helped her put on the accessory and she bit her lips when she was all ready. Spreaded her legs and grabbed the pillow tight from behind her head, smirking and pressing her eyes as if waiting for something tad painful.

"-I'm ready, fuck me, Mr. Machine!" - she laughed one second before the whole massive dildo she chose was all at once shoved into her cunt, and then withdrawed covered in moist, to get back in again.

Her scandalous way of moaning and laughing was actually exciting, but I'd have to recompose myself a bit before trying to cum again. I left her having fun at the bedroom, closing the door behind me because of the noise. What a surprise it was to find Mr. Red sitting at our couch, watching the video I had just sent him, of me being mechanically banged by the sex robot..!

"-What...When..how come..?!" - I asked confusely, as I jumped into his arms and start covering that beloved smile with kisses. "We finished the job a couple of days earlier, and  thought about making a surprise for you. I texted you when my plane landed, and since you said you were going out, I rushed to be here by the time you'd arrive..."- he said with his arms deliciously embracing me.

"-But it seems that I am who's most surprised here..!" - he laughed, pointing to the bedroom door from where we could still hear her laughing and moaning out loud. "What's happening in there?"
I answered with a funny gesture, as she interrupted her moaning to yell : "Hey, Hamalka, you have the best cock of the whole world..!". We laughed. I put my hand to Red's lips, for him to be quieter, as she was sure we were alone in the apartment. I didn't want to spoil her fun.

"-Marry meeee..!" - she was yelling at the machine again.
"-She's drunk as a cow... I bet she'll cum and pass out. Let her rest a bit before I introduce you two..." - I giggled. 
"-So, what should we do in the meanwhile?" - he asked, shining that glacial eyes onto me.

"-I guess I have an idea..." - I whispered, as my hands started to unbotton his jeans.

Empty bottle (a failed tale)

Another one down.

I think twice about opening a new. What doesn't keep me from the decision already taken: lid off. The liquid flows out with that characteristical sound, 'til the glass is filled. I don't care if it's too early, or If I already drank too much. I'm alone and this is my only comfort. I know it makes no sense, but suddenly I understand the drama of the alcoholics, and raise my glass to it, in a disrespectful, nasty toast.

Maybe I'm just not that confident as I'd like to pretend. And with the world falling around me, I can't pretend I don't see it. I wish I did. But ignorance is a good place where I can't afford a trip to.

One more long, big sip. Almost a liter, and it's not even 9 a.m. I know that soon there will be consequences, but I couldn't care less by now. Firecracks. The World Cup of Football is on, and nobody seems to give a fuck about anything else. Evil may overcome. Injustice will prevail. They'll mourn it in the morning, but not before the games. But then everything will be lost.

Lust over dejection. All pornography seem so shallow. Toys as torturing devices that only reminds me how far away you are.My pussy is dry, my eyes are wet. I drown my griefs. The devil talks dirty, and this turns me on.

But not today.

I'd fall back to bed - I fall for you instead. The work can wait but the word is urgent. Another dose of inspiration, and I spill myself over poems on your beauty and your thrill. All non suitable for publishing, all too sweet to get one blushing.

Not my style.

I pour another glass, and notice I'm starting to get nauseous. Over two liters of water, and it's not even 10 in the morning.

Inked Passion

The studio was light and clean, with all white furnishings and colorful art hanging from the walls in stunning designs. I squeezed his hand a little harder, communicating my bit anxiety as we entered the room. The artist was already waiting for me, wearing an all black outfit that contrasted with the white apron, bandana and mask. Without a word, a hand already covered by blue rubber gloves indicated I should take my place at the chair.

I took a last sip of Jack Honey, and handed Red my bottle and purse. Laid down, I tried to relax as I felt the cold of an alchohol-soaked tissue being rubbed against my skin. "Can I put some music on?" - Red asked. "As loud as you wish, bro. This room used to be a rehearsing studio, the doors and windows are pretty soundproof"- was the answer.

So, he dropped my stuff over a glass side table, and went to deal with the sound system. I took a deep breath, trying to get more comfortable. one window, behind me, had its curtains opened to a probably beautiful view of the city from the 7th floor. In front of me there was another big window from where one could see the studio reception lobby, with its vintage-futurist decoration that reminded a mix of old fashioned drive-in restaurants with some kind of harbour side cabaret. There was a bunch of people there (and they were all as unique-looking as the scenario), but they couldn't see inside the room we were, because of the one-side mirror effect of the glass.

He put some music on, walked a bit and stood beside me, taking a peek at the work. "This is going to be really beautiful" - he said. "Yes" I answered. The artist was silent, concentrated. Red walked a bit around the room, took a look outside through the windows, and stopped in front of the chair, staring at me with a sweet smile. He opened the bottle and took a sip of my whiskey, making an interesting expression: "I still prefere the original shit" - analyzed him.

I gave him a bit nervous smile back, uneasy with the pain that was starting to get tad annoying. "You want a sip?" - he offered. I reached with my right arm in his direction and he came closer to handle me the bottle.

-Is it hurting? - he asked, and the bright in his eyes was already changed.
-A bit... - I answered, staring him back while I felt his fingers softly caressing my thigh. - But I'm a big girl. I can take it.

-I know you can take it. - his fingertips were moving up to my hips, careless about lifting part of  my skirt. His touch was soft as a feather, and now directioning to my inner tighs. I bit my lips. I felt him smoothly touching my pussy from over my panties, in slow up and down movements. As my bean was getting hard, he'd circle it, tickling its arounds, without taking those hypnotic eyes from me.

"Is that pain and pleasure..?" - he'd affirm, more than ask. One finger lifted up the corner of my panties, and another one slided into my soaked pussy 'til I felt the pressure of his hand against my labia. I let escape a muffled groan, that was probably inaudible, through the music and the typical noise of the tattoo machine. With one finger way deep inside me, he offered another sip of the drink and softly kissed me.

I could feel the moist starting to flow out, as his thumb touched the top of my clit. I felt a small shock and bit my lips again. He smiled, made a deeper pressure inside me, before slowly taking out his now smeared finger, and sticking into my mouth. I eagerly sucked it, tasting my own pleasure, and teasing my instincts.

He pulled a bench to the front of the chair I was, took a sit and gently bended my legs, caressing all along them, without any rush. When his hands got to my hips, he pulled off my panties, kissing my naked ankles as he freed me from the lingerie. Then he bended my legs up, spreading it in a gynecological position, as he pulled himself closer.

The one-way mirror window was right behind him, and the impression I got was that everyone outside could see the scene, which was at the same time uncomfortable and exciting, like the pain in my arm as the tattoo needles hurt my skin. As if part of the machine, the artist just kept going, eyes on the drawing as if nothing unusual was happening. As I turned my head to see how the work was evolving, I felt Red's breathing between my legs as the tip of his tongue tickled my clit. His stare was profound and intimidating, and I closed my eyes as his mouth was getting hungrier, sucking me greedily.

I firmly grasped the sides of the chair with my hands. The artist then delicately tapped to my forearm, making a sign to relax the arm muscles. I tried to apologize, but again was deeply penetrated by one long, decided finger, as I felt the palm of his hand cupping my whole cunt, pressing my sensitive spot.  His finger started moving inside me, teasing and stretching, as another one was tickling my butthole, and spreading over the juicy drips of my fluids.

He got a second finger into my gash, revolving as the other hand was now pressing the bottom of my belly. I was now moaning out loud, twisting my toes inside the high heels, trying to keep steady. Sometimes the tattoo artist would rub a tissue to my wounded inked flesh to wipe the blood that was probably running hot through my whole body. This was terribly painful and still would make me even more sensitive to the stims down my intimate sites. A woman approached the mirror to check out her newly got tattoo. Her friend came closer, and they were cheerfully talking and pointing. I couldn't listen to them, they couldn't see me  there, kinda hostage of that kinky scene.

He spreaded my legs even more, exposing my puffed up glossy pussy.  He stepped aside, again searching for the bottle. I felt too vulnerably and put my knees together. " Keep it opened" - he firmly commanded, taking another sip. I just obeyed, and reached again with my hand, silently asking for the bottle.

He came to me, pulled my head up a bit from the chair headrest, but didn't let me hold the bottle. Instead, he put the bottleneck to my lips and lift its bottom. There was a bit too much, and some of that honeyed tennessee spilled from the corner of my lips, dripping over my neck and cleavage. He forced me to drink all the rest of the liquor - there might had a whole dose left or more, counting the wasted. "Good girl". - he said, still holding the now empty jar in front of me - "Now suck it."

I looked down to his pants and noticed he had a hard on . My eyes questioned, his firm gesture pushing me the bottle was the answer. I then holded it with my right hand - the left arm was almost numb, the fleshy canvas for that focused artist - as Red was grabbing the back of my neck, keeping my eyes on him, as his other hand slapped my pussy.

I started licking and sucking the cold bottleneck as if it was his hardened cock. "That's it..!" - he complimented, and slapped my cunt again, this time harder. "Deeper, bitch, I want to see you deepthroathing it." - he said, louder than the music, careless  of the presence of a third person there...Well, definitely that didn't matter any longer.

I could notice a few people occasionaly passing through or even stopping by the one-sided mirror. The heavily pierced receptionist fixing her pink hair. A young couple admiring their matching tattoos. A group of drunk motorclub members arriving for some celebrative inking. I could only have quick glimpses of them while Red's fingers worked hard on me. One, two, three...revolving, exploring, as if he wanted to retrieve something from the depths of my welled pussy. I could no longer hold the bottle, I left my arm rest aside, still holding it by the bottleneck, moaning out loud as I was being extremely fingered.

A whorish-looking women was retouching her lipstick as Red leaned over me and whispered: "Keep sucking this shit if you don't want this bottle to end up on your asshole..!" - he then took his hand out of my pussy, slapping it even harder. My body shook for a second and even the tattooer seemed to have had a little jump scare, stopping to draw for a second, then wiping off the excess of ink and blood and continuing the work.


Red then slapped the bottle from my hand, that went to the floor into zillion pieces. I could notice a reaction from people outside as if they heard that noise of shattered glass, but then I felt my arse being merciless penetrated by his fingers. Deeply, slowly and strongly. All in. All out. He let go on my neck and had his two hands grabbing me, loosening my butthole with both thumbs, tickling my vagina with his index fingers .

"I'm almost done" - the artist said, loud enough to be heard  throughout the music and moaning.  "Time to cum" - Red smiled a pervert, delightful smile, drumming his fingers on my cunt as I could still feel his pinkies holding my hole gaped.

In seconds, I felt the shaking. An exploding orgasm shocked my body and again the tattoo machine stopped working on me. A big amount of moist was spitted out my pussy, almost in a squirt, and I did suffocate a louder cry.

"It's done" - the artist announced, and rubbed me with the tissue one last time. Then said, begining to thake the gloves and mask off : "I'll have some water, you can suit yourselves, I'll be right back. Nevermind the mess, someone will come to clean it later" -and left the room.

Red reached the tissues and handed it to me with a passionated kiss. I cleaned myself,  put on my painties and pulled down my skirt.  He  disconnected his phone from the sound system and then helped me to get off the chair, after another of his sweetest kisses. We both were staring at the mirror, admiring my new tattoo. Admiring ourselves. We are a hell out of a great-looking pair.

-Did you like it?
-I loved it.
-I love you.

That would be forever under my skin.

See Me Masturbate ( Dirty Talk II)

Later, I was telling him about my unexpected masturbation adventure with the dirty talking strange in the video.
-Do you like dirty talking porn? - I asked.
-Sure! Hard to find good...- he lamented.

Of course the idea got fixed in my mind. But what would him call "good" dirty talking porn?
I have no idea. Im too self-conscious about my dirty talking. I've noticed in previous videos, that I tend to start talking childish and baby like, and it kinda embarrasses me. But I guess there's only a few things that a woman willing to spread open to a camera could be really embarrassed of...

It was easier just not to show my face. I positioned the camera in a good angle next to the mirror, and was watching the screen instead of the reflected image. I wanted to see what he'd be seeing.

All set, I could sit and focus in getting wet. Time to fantasize. It was bit hard to stop wondering about what should I say...

"Hey, sweetie...you know what? I just can't wait to see you..."- I tried to start somehow, but almost whole of my attention was being drained by the finger movements on my vagina. Back to mind came the majestic picture of his hard on. I moaned out loud, feeling my fingertips getting humid.

" I can't wait to have this cock fucking me again.." - I thought, but didn't vocalize. Damn it, my mind was in a storm of memories of epic fucks back to over a decade and a half ago, which my whole body remembers every single move. Like the night he filled me so good from behind, that even after overflowing my hole with cum, he went on drilling me hard, making me drip all over the sheets.

By this point, I could feel my pussy starting to water.  Looking at the phone screen I could see the glossy pink spot getting hungry for action. My long nails gently touching my clit.

"This is soo good... You wanna feel it? I want you to feel it... Will you pull my panties aside and finger me discreetly anywhere, just to check me wet..? I'll be all so wet for you...can you make my pussy cum, please..? I want you so bad..!"

It's so easy to make this pussy drippy soaked whenever imagining its about to get his attention. Another sexy situation just popped out mind: what if instead of taking me at once, he would decide to be patient and torture me for hours, having me wide open and bonded, touching, licking, fingering me, inserting things - but not fucking.

Again my moaning went louder, imagining how many things he could do to my exposed body without treat me with his cock inside my cumming  holes. My fingers got more intense imagining me immobilized, with a vibrator stuck to my ass, having him faceraping me deep. I almost feel his huge, strong hands holding my jaw straight and gagging me with his dick until I feel his balls smashing against my face.

I feel another thick drop of pussy juice sliding down to my asshole. Oh, fuck, I'd cum right now if only I felt the tip of his dick touching my pussy..!

"Fuck me, please..!" - and the voice came almost as a mourn - " I need to cum soooo bad..!"
"You'll cum when I want to" - I imagined he'd answer, and took it as a relieving promise. With that man, the battle was always trying not to cum too soon or get too sore before the fun even start.

I had to slow down the clit fingering. I was dangerously on the edge and it was too good to end yet. With a finger, I started massaging my asshole.

"Oh yeah..!" - my voice sounded how delighted I was- "I'm so horny..! I want to sit on your cock with my buttcheeks open wide, but I need to stretch my ass first...would you help me..? Could you be gentle..?" I said as my fingers slided in and out my moisted hole. On the screen and the mirror in front of me I could double-see the scene of my long nailed fingers massaging the borders of my asshole, and hoped the vision would make him as horny to fuck me as I was right then for having his cock buried in my butt.

"Wanna see this dildo fucking my asshole, dear? I can take it all inside, after a while, I swear..!"

Carefully, very carefully, I rubbed the dildo against my pussy to make more moist come down, but I had to use light gestures not to explode already.  The expectation of being filled in the ass made my heart beat faster. "Aw, it hurts..!" - and it actually did, while the dildo's pink head started forcing the entry.

"It hurts..!" - I went on mourning, feeling my asshole throbbing against the insertion - "I'd need a little kiss to take the pain away, a little kiss in my pussy... Can you please kiss my pussy? Please..?"

Dripping moisted, the head of the dildo started to open its way through my asshole, while one of my fingers carresed my labia and helped me dream about his mouth covering my pussy while he'd prepare my butt to be roughly pounded.

"Please, fuck me...I need your cock...I'm so horny for you.." - I was shamelessly begging. Even fantasizing about having him so close and still having to wait to get that dick stuck on me, was insanely torturing.

Fuck that, I wouldn't hold back too much longer. Changed position, leaving my butt way up, with my head down. "Look at it, Red, look what you've done to me...I'm a slut, on my knees, holding you my gaped asshole and begging you to fuck me..." - I pushed the dildo all inside with a loud moan. Took it out and slowly back in,  filming the scene up close so he'd notice the dripping gloss.

"I'm all ready for your cock now...my slutty ass is so hungry to swallow your dick to the root...I want to scream so loud on your hard-on, Red..! Come fuck me like this..." - and moved the toy faster and stronger , as my lust  was increasingly out of control.
"Fuck this whore's asshole, brake it loose, I want to fell your cum dripping outta me..!"

My swollen red cunt was pulsating in fever as I had four fingers exploring the gap left by the violent masturbation. The scene in the mirror reflected a detail the camera couldn't register: a pair of sweet stationary paperclips were been used as nipple clamps. And the pleasant pain on the breasts made the whole feeling even kinkier.

But when my mind pictured him taking his cock out and actually start rubbing it against my gap, I felt I wouldn't hold anymore... One last deep stock with the dildo to my ass, and when its fake balls touched my cunt, I could feel the cum starting to squirt.

"Oh, no, no, no... I'm cumming... I'm cumming..!" - I almost cried, and a strong squirt came out and actually reached the mirror, leaving some drops on the image. I slapped my pussy to calm its espasms, feeling that hard toy in my insides.

I was totally sweaty, messy, upside down, impaled, disgraced. Turn on the vibrator and my pussy contracts and squirts again. The juice flows down to my legs, but also down to my belly, chest and  neck, reaching my mouth. In that weird position,  I felt trashy drinking my own cum. With it still dripping from my chin, I'd lick my lips looking at the mirror,proud of being this filthy slut.



I need you to fuck me real, fuck me hard. And if you don't like my dirty talking, you can shut me gagged on your shaft....

Assfucked By A Stranger ( Dirty Talk I )

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Live show

And then, of course, I had totally lost account on how much wine I've had. And we started to talk about the videos I sent him.

-They're very good, I love them!  - he cheered.
-Well, it's probably the best I can do considering the..."structure" I have. - I laughed. - You know I have a thing for porn.

-I can understand that. - he gave me that malicious smile. And without drifting his eyes away from mine, I felt his hand coming from behind me and grabbing my ass.
 I wasn't wearing any underwear. His fingertips went straight to my asshole. He forced it a bit, just to feel its reaction.

-I want you to show me, as you do in your videos - he said .- But this time I'll be the one filming.
-Right now?
-Yes. - he pointed to the couch at the reading corner of the room. A strong and large couch with a spotlight right on it.
I went to pick up my toys, and when I came back he was setting his phone's camera.

-Anytime you're ready. - he invited.
-I'm ready.

I got all on my fours upon the couch and arched my ass as high as possible, making sure I'd be completely exposed. The spotlight was a bit blinding and I could only guess his focused expression , approaching the camera to my bottoms and to my face alternately.

My fingers begin to caress my wet pussy. Gotta be really careful not to cum too soon... My eyes looks hungry for the camera, but more than ever to the man behind the lenses. The idea of having him so close, really watching my every move, was driving me sexually out of control.

I'm so wet I could easily skip the lube. But the sensation of the cold wet drops on my eager buttocks was just too good to miss. I massaged it good and fingered it a bit before reaching to the white dildo I use on the scenes.

He's silent and committed, and that somehow makes it feel even dirtier. I looked straight to his eyes while introducing the whole dildo into my ass. Noticing his breathing was changing was really increasing my mood, and in a couple of minutes I'd be swallowing that whole dildo at once  with my ass, and panting like a cow to be impregnated.

He found a good angle and stood there a while, driving his eyes off the screen and focusing on the real scene. He started caressing my butt and hips, letting his fingers slide on my fluids.
He's still filming. He takes the dildo out of my hands and proceeded the fucking, alternating the speed and intensity of the moves.

I'm all loose and can just enjoy the feeling of being impaled like that by his hands. Panting, sweaty and mesmerized by the lust  in his expressions, I dare to close my eyes for a moment... Its when I feel a hot pressure against my pussy.

I moaned, a bit for the pain. He was trying to force his huge hard on inside my pussy, with the dildo still buried in my ass. I'd even be up for the double penetration challenge, but with two big fillings like that, not a chance.

He then took the dildo out of my ass and shoved all that massive erection all at once deep into my pussy. The loud squeaking mixed with his heavy breathing and my moans. Fuck, that was good. That was way too good.

-S..stop, or I'll cum..!
-Not yet. - he pulled me to himself even harder once more before switching my pussy to my asshole.

Now I was feeling it. A pulsating member throbbing inside me, forcing its way deep into my ass. Not a cold fake hardness, but a hot blooded cock to gap my ass broken.

-Is this want you wanted, bitch? You were craving to have my cock raping your ass...

I couldn't answer. The window glasses reflected the most perfect scene: he was behind me, filling my butt with his dick, that I could feel that was about to come...

The phone was left on the bedside desk. It was just us, and we were that centimeters of flesh we so eagerly rub against each others.
-Cum with me...! - he mumbled, trying to be firm on his order. His fingers worked on my pussy and clit. His cock going in and out my asshole. I could feel it coming. His breathing was maddening for the nympho in me.

Once more I'd feel that hot tide creampie me full. And feel it coming down with all the juice my pussy squirted in its raging lust.

Homework

Its the third night already on this vacations, that I completely , literally spent with a dildo shoved to my ass. Yeah, I'm this kind of freak. Totally capable of masturbating for hours and hours, cumming on and on shamelessly.

Now that I'm fully growth up, I understand more of what I want in sex and why I like it that way.  I love anal stimulation.  But anal tricks demand an extra atone, tion, and fact is that not many men knows how to make a woman enjoy anal pleasures.

In times like this, when I'm alone and there's no rush,  I'll start by picturing you fingering and eating my wide open pussy.  I love to notice how our fantasies match with perfection, as you want to be in control and I want to feel dominated.

Still caught on the idea of being locked in bondage , as you serve yourself into all my holes.  I imagine you choking me on your cock , commanding me to keep my mouth opened as I drool and gag on your meat.

I spread my legs as much as I can, forcing it a little harder as a sexy stretching exercise. Isnt it about to push the limits, anyway..? I feel my pussy hot and swollen, she likes to be shown, she's so dripping wet... I wish it was your fingers dipping into my pussy, and lubing my delicate asshole, one by one, all the fingers in one hand.

I  must hold myself from the temptation of touching my engorged clit. Its too soon, and if I cum now I won't take today's lesson. There should really be a course on how to enjoy being assfucked.

But right now I am all ready to begin. The 22x 4,5 centimeters toy is firmly positioned and I slowly let it in and out, getting used with the shape of its head making its way trough.

I move my hips back and forward, and in my mind its your dick that my butt swallows bit by bit.  Its not easy, the dildo is so big... But wasn't that my choice? I bought a big dildo to get my ass trained in taking a massive cock in, an enjoy the cruel banging to the creampie.

I push it deeper, and feel my pussy drool. I reach to the other toy and try to get it into my pussy. There's no room, its crazy. I remember your promise of shoving them inside me with your own hands.  Oh, dear, you'll worn me out so badly...

Now the big dildo slides in and out my asshole so easily. I  take it all off, enjoy the gap and then push it back in. It doesn't hurt more than its pleasant. I'll come if I solely hear your voice asking me to.  But in my fantasy you're squeezing my clamped-nipples titties and panting in my ear as you get your hard cock ready to fill me with a hot, heavy load.

Boy, I could spend the whole night like that...

And I did.

Night hunger

One in the morning and I should be sleeping. Tomorrow's a busy day, and so was today. But part of my tasks for this afternoon was writing a couple of reviews about a subject that really makes me horny.

I was already wet when he called me and said he couldn't sleep. I knew he was fishing for some sexy chatting. I was totally in the mood. He teased me, sending pictures of his sexy bondage equipments. "I have everything I need here, but you." -that was almost romantic. "I need you here now'.  - he doesn't beg, but demands.

He promises to tie my arms and legs in a way I cannot move.  Legs held spread on a straight bar, and mouth held open by a weird device like some kind of mask. My pussy floods with lust  at his every word.

I tease his dirty mind to cum, as he tells me more about his perversions. The memory of choking on his delicious cock makes my pussy dripping. I slide a finger lubed with moist to inside my blinking asshole. Feels so good I get hungry for more.

Its time for some gaping fun...

The boring truth

Being Hamalka is a way of dealing with two monsters, becoming a third and stronger one. Lust and depression. Well, I'm not even sure if I have depression, I shouldn't have, but yes, maybe sometimes it's pretty hard to deal with the fact I'm running out of life, and maybe there is no " happy ending " to everything, shit happens and its real as fuck.
I guess I kinda had been ignoring a lot of stuff, just because I didn't find possible to happen. But it happened- and what now?

Now is where I am. Living those days I never thought would come. Wow.
I don't like much opening up about my personal life here. But on the other hand, what's the fun if I'd only be porn. I wouldn't be real. Real people don't only think about sex ot have sex adventures around all the time. Believe me, I do know it. And I already waste a loooooooooot of time thinking about sex.

But yeah, let's see: I was a quite wealthy housewife. All of a sudden I was divorced, without a cent (yeah, that's possible- but I don't feel like going into the details here). Went back to my family and found great jobs, everything was doing just fine, but then the tide changed catastrophically. There were health and family problems, and as if it wasn't enough,  my parents got financially bankrupted. From far, one of my easiest dilemmas are: if I don't get a full-time job, I won't make money enough for basics. But if I stop studying, I won't get my diplomma  and get the hell out of this situation.

It even sounds funny, written that way. How can I be sooooo fucked up. I was the luckiest woman on Earth. It was...late 2003-mid 2004 when things started going to shit for the first .Money was beginning to become a problem, but I was too young to notice it was bigger problem than being dumped. I was so upset about that, that I cancelled the lifetime chance of moving abroad with a friend. She went alone and nowadays she's still living the life we once dreamed to have.

I'd like to say getting married wasn't shit number 2, but for fuck's sake: IT WAS. It was the shittiest thing I've done after refusing the trip. And I can say it without feeling one bit guilty, because when I got married there wasn't love anymore, but family stuff that shouldn't be exposed. Even though I'm just your wild imagination, even imaginary families would deserve this respect. Anyway, it was my fault, blame it on me, its not like I wasn't cruising for this bruise. Fuck me. I know I paid high for the mistake. I still live with the consequences. And traumas. Whatever.

There were good things about that times, too. Or else I wouldn't get so desperated  when he finally left me. Nowadays I see that under a totally different light that didn't take much to start shining on my life that days. Soon I was all back together. I learnt new stuff, had amazing great jobs, I found my love again and even had epic vacations. And I felt so healthy, so beautiful, so happy with myself. Was it the so-called "best of times"?  I can give you dates when I mostly knew it was.

Mid-2013, early 2014: too early to notice. When September ended, I started loosing it. I hardly can evaluate 2015. It was so hard on my body and soul. I'd like to believe it was when I found the fighter inside me, but I guess it was cowardice that saved me...I don't remember seeing death so peacefully close before. In many ways.

When our friend's body went down to its grave, I decided I didn't want to be the next one in a casket. And my soul have been growing stronger ever since. My body recovered enough to face the new challenges that pops up everyday, ever since.

And now, after writing aaaaall this, I feel way better, and actually grateful for being healthy now. Maybe I shouldn't be here complaining, wasting time instead of doing something useful.

Maybe I should actually had started thinking about porn instead of dwelling into that bad vibe. But maybe a song made me brokenhearted. Something that remembered me that there's no happy ending. In fact, there's not even a fairytale.

There's just Hamalka. A monster made of lust  and depression.

New Toys

It's well known that one shouldn't go shopping for groceries when hungry. People tend to buy more food than they should.
I can asure you the same goes for entering a Sex Shop when you're horny and been lonely for a looooong time already.

The door was open and I entered that blue-lightened room, which athmosphere was already bit aphrodisiac. The front part of the store had sexy costumes for all tastes, and naughty accessories for bondage. The back wall was covered with sex toys of the most diverse shapes and colors.

"May I help you..?" - soon the saleswoman came to ask.
"Yes!" - I answered as cordially as I would at the bakery counter: "I want an anal enlarger".

The mid-aged woman, who looked a bit like everybody's Geography high-school  teacher, surprisingly looked at me with confusion. I swear that for a moment, I looked around to see if I was in the right place. I reached for a giant double-dong and felt its cyberskin. Yup, I was at the right place. So I went on, as the women didn't look like she understood me.

" Me and my boyfriend like rough anal, but It's been a long while, and he has a big penis, so, how can I do to enjoy the fun without ending up at the hospital..?"

Oh, right, now the woman actually blushed! I was actually embarrassed with that. I didn't expect a sex shop attendant to blush on a client...at least not such a regular-looking person as me. I guess I blushed too, before she clicked back and start showing me some interesting devices. And she even gave me some technique tips..! What happened to the apparently shy woman from before..? Hehehe...

I'm not really into realistic dildos. I will always prefere real flesh. But I do enjoy vibrators and replicas that will look like toys... So, the barbie-pink vibrator got my eye from the beginning.  But then I had in mind I still need anal training, and that girly penish toy didn't seem to be big enough to help...

That 22x4 cm dildo seemed to be really interesting. I liked its ice-like color. Like a penis shaped icicle. A big, juicy, smooth icicle...

On my way home, I confess I was thinking if any of those people that crossed my way on the streets would imagine what I had inside my candid backpack...

I arrived home and set the mood for that "first date".  Bottle of wine, some sexy music, a time not to worry about anything. I slowly undress of my "civil clothes" to the sound of a naughty heavy metal ballad. Wearing only the jewelry I had on for the day, I spreaded my body over the couch, admiring my own image reflected on the big mirror of the room.

I touched myself. I was throbbing hard, smearing my fingertips with moist. I tasted it, wishing it was your fingers I was sucking my pussy off.

The red wine was mixing with my red blood and red is the color of my fantasies now. Keep playing with my pussy while taking another sip. The other hand reaches the side table nand rests the glass, exchanging it for the pink vibrator.

First the vibrations in all its intensities. Choosing the best positions to rub its veiny -like surface against my shaved pussy. Slowly I'd slide it inside, enjoying every inch of it. No lube was needed , so dripping wet I was.

I pushed it until I had swallowed it whole, feeling that "balls" touching my asshole. Then I let it vibrate, trying to hold it inside without touching. It demands a certain vaginal strength, its a quite heavy toy and I was all wide open, feeling that stick shoved around 15 centimeters deep into me.

My flowing juice was dripping over my asshole. I could see the glossy button of my reflection. I was so excited, all ready to get that ass fucked.

Both my hands grabbed the "ice cock". And my first impulse was sucking it. Feeling my mouth and my pussy full. Of course it didn't feel like a cock, it didn't taste as a cock... But I looked at myself on the mirror and my mind could guess the whole scene. Goosebumps shake my body and contracts my pussy. The vibrator feels harder inside  me.

I rub that translucid  head against my butthole. Feels so good. I force it in. Its not easy, it slides aside, too wet, too tight. That big cock is hard even for my hands to handle.

My pussy is still filled  as the tip of the dildo starts to make its way through my back hole. I moan. The vibrator gets tighter inside me. Its too much to handle, I feel it stretching me from inside.

But there's pleasure in this pain . I shamelessly face the image on the mirror. Undressed, wide opened, exposed, a whole dildo shoved in the drooling pussy, and the asshole stretched around the head of a giant one.

Another sip of the wine. Nobody around, but he's on my mind. Anxious to see me having it all inside me. Push it harder. Another inch disappears. The vibrator almost slides off. I hold it. The touching changes the vibration, I loose coordination and the dildo goes deeper. Oh, it hurts. Feels great. A little more.

My pussy spits the pink vibrator out. I almost cum. A hot stream of moist flows out, and I feel that warm waving smearing my asshole even smoother. One of the hands rubs the vibrators head against my clit. The other proceeds pushing all that 22 centimeters into my ass.  "Go on...stretch this asshole for me..."- I can hear him saying.

" I can't push it any further"... I mumble. I feel its the limit. Not even half the device is in.  My pussy feels hot and looks red, swollen, red of all the rubbing.

A little bit more. Slowly. Feeling every inch. Inside. Out. In. Out. Sliding. Into my butthole, into my pussy. One each time. Taking turns.  The big dildo now goes deeper, and the moaning is louder. I take it totally off. For a moment, through the mirror, I see my loosened hole. And shove the dildo all back inside . Then off again. It doesn't hurt anymore, just pure delight.

Nipples hard, drooling pussy, stretched to the limit. Ah, you'd want to see that. Screw me with the toys, screw it all inside me, make my butthole blink. Fill my gap with your warm, tasty cum.

An hallucinating orgasm expells the dildo from my ass as my pussy squirts. Dreaming on your cock. In having all my holes creampied. In having your hands around my neck.

This will be a loooooong wait. But I'll be ready.

I think it's something in the water.

"I told ya it was going to be wonderful"

The overwhelming landscape that surrounded us was no news for me, but I was totally mesmerized by his eyes I could only see under the sunglasses because of my privileged point of view.

The lenses were reflecting the most perfect summer sunset at the white sanded beaches of a tropical paradise. All I could think of was if he had ever seen such a beauty.

 I've never swimmed too far from these waters, but I know the rivers and seas of mine quite well. It doesn't matter how far is the sailor from, or how much had him sailed across the world, they mostly agree there's something magical about this land. Some actually never leave. Some blame it on the mermaids. 

We had climbed a hidden trail upon the coast. Its not even 500 meters far from the beach, but not many people knows these trails. This means we were probably the only ones in quite a big native jungle area. Wich could be dangerous, but also could be fun.

The sun on my skin throughout the green makes me aroused. I feel shivers when my wet hair drips on my golden tanned skin, covered only by a small white bikini. You wear rubber sandals, I am barefoot, feeling the earth, connecting to this ancient energies some will never believe if they never leave the asphalt.

"Come see the falls" - I'll show you what's wet. I climb in front of you, bending over as I much, showing off  to tease the sailor to my trap: you're never leaving again.

Where the water falls three times, under palms and butterflies,  where nothing but Nature can be heard. I take off the bikini , the only thing to keep me human, and dive into the cold waters of a magic pond among the rocks.

I swim to the other side to meet you, out of the waters, with legs to spread for you. I want to see your liquid white skin contrasting to all the colors we're into now.  You hold me against a stone wall, in the perfect angle for a kisst that gets more urgent and deeper as you slide your cock towards my moisted pussy lips.

You're starting to pant. I moan out loud. Something moves among the leaves on the bend. A lizard, or whatever. I felt I broke some spiderwebs as we got there, but I was just too busy being a female. Feeling you filling me up with a hot hard on, as my skin felt cold over the drying water. The wet touch of your warm lips on my already sensitive nipples was way too much to handle. I came hard right in the first time you strongly stroked your manhood into me to its root. My pussy was pulsating and you woun't take it off.

My body relaxed, but you held it firmly and kept banging me. I wish it would take forever, but I know you were anxious, too.  I put my arms around my sailor, rubbing my humid breasts against his sweaty body. "Cum to me..!"

The hotwave hit me from inside as his whole body trembled. He roared like a male, and our kissing were more brutal than biting. Love, naturally.

We say goodbye at the harbour. He sail. I swim.

Balance check

So, this is the place where I totally expose myself, to those who knows nothing about me. Its like screaming in the desert. Kinda like everyday life but backwards. Out there, I'm kinda hard to go unnoticed, still people can't see what I'm really made of. Here you have all my soul, but that's it. Don't expect to recognize me on the streets, I have rather different colors from inside and out.
I told ya already that have been shitty times, but seems that once one get used to pain, the mind starts to adapt and get clearer again. Or at least able to process. I started thinking.

"Whatta hell am I doing to my life..?" - I've had these kinda thoughts before, but they were never as shocking as now. Probably also because, really, I've never thought I'd be facing such times. I guess I got quite good in overcoming a lotta emotional mess, but financial resection was something I wasn't expecting to struggle with.

Sounds ridiculous, I know. But its harder than it seems, to deal with material problems. And mind you I've never cared about money, I despise luxury, I don't even bother following fashion, I don't demand going to expensive places. But its also true that money was never an obstacle between me and my simple pleasures. My dreams are priceless, so why would I bother with cash.
But when things get serious to the point one has to choose between your mother's medicines or a cheap hair shampoo for basic hygiene, its a clear sign that situation went out of hand. Talk about crisis, I know it well as a Political Reporter... BUT, most of all, I feel it, I live it everyday.  My family and I weren't big fortune, but it seemed unlikely we could end up like this almost all of a sudden. And I know we're not the only ones. The crisis hit harder not the ones with billions, nor the already poor, but the middle classed like us, that had small investments and satisfactory jobs. Now jobs are gone, and so the money of small investors that supported my whole life.
Fuck all the emotional hurricane and wristcutting broken heart stories I've mostly filled my pages with. I feel now as if my whole life I've lived as a pink cotton candy teenager whom is immature enough to smile over own troubles, just because of some fairytalish faith that, in the end, was proven useful to keep me sane for a while. But the while is over. I'm getting closer to 40 than to 30, and definitely, things are NOTHING as I figured it would be, ten or fifteen years ago.

I was living for love, now I'm fighting by instinct. And seems there can be a different happiness in growing sceptical. I'm a hard student, I am a complimented lecturer and reporter, and at some point I know the money-issue will get back to stability and up to beyond. And those who knows my work hardly knows my heart. Those whom I gave my heart might not know the dark spots of my soul. But the woman of this aging body is no longer feeling sorry or apologizing for being self.

I still ain't proud, but I'm stronger. And its good enough to go on.

Insurance

If still my plans keep going out of rails, I might consider selling my diaries to some editor. There has been notes ever since I was 10 or less. Just make sure to publish it post mortem, I don't even read that stuff again, shame on me..! 😂

Poking some wounds

Mmm'kay. Real Hamalka here. So, there will be no porn today. It's one of my rare 'headache' days, I'm not in the mood. Yet blogging seems fine, and I feel I could use opening up something more important than my legs, for a change.

Somehow this have helped me a lot, I guess. In a kinda diverse way from what I would expect - or want, maybe - but finally talking about some things....that I don't even touch...help me seeing myself bit differently. I hadn't really "noticed" how much shit I overcame in life, because all the time I was mostly busy with gratitude about the good things around me.

Ok, I still don't feel comfortable coming up in the details, but I've dealed with nasty stuff in life. And I learnt from all of them.  My mind has a peculiar way of functioning, but unfortunately my  memory is good enough to remind me why people should NEVER GET DRUNK IN FRONT OF KIDS. It doesn't matter if you're happy and celebrating, you adults have no idea how scary you become when to that point of talking loud and laugh at stupid things.

Of course I'm not in anyway saying no one should drink around things, of preaching kids alcohol is devilish- I would never be that hypocrite , because I just don't fit in any extreme. I kinda grew up in both, and I'm living experience on how this stuff SHOULDN'T work.In many levels.

The other day I talked about a particular episode of domestic violence of my adulthood ,and thought I would never have to remember that again, but life is, I met a dear relative whom I haven't been seen for six years. And she made me remind that... Really, for the first time I was listening to someone else talk about that, and I wish it wasn't me she was talking about. I do remember going through all of that, but I kinda couldn't believe I didn't end up way more fucked up than I really am. I was born Mom's Little Princess, I grew up to be (almost) all Teacher's Pet...how did I end up crying, at the Police Station? Shit hit us all, indeed.

But then I remember thinking 'bad things happens to everyone. Amazing things like there is in my life, this only happens to a few way too good lucky people like me'.

I know, this sounds crazy, or the kind of stupid self help talk. But that's what probably saved my live over more than I can had noticed. Knowing then what I know now, I'd probably be less fierceful about things. Wouldn't be so optimistic, so faithful. I believed slaying dragons was part of the fairytale or something like that.

I felt bitter for a while. I tought  I was loosing faith - and I'm not talking about religion here. I could say I felt like the gods deserted me. Somewhere deep in the heart of the jungle, they call it "Panema" , a very bad luck period, the forest spirits are against one. But I didn't have the time to dwell in misery, for I had full bunch of work to do...
 That kinda made me angry at some point, too.

I'm glad I noticed there isn't happy endings before it ends... But if one doesn't expect happiness, what can there be in the end? I'm fighting to make sure it won't be misery. It wasn't til now.
And I am sure the worst is gone. Because I'm so stronger.

What for..?

Sometimes, when everything is chaos and I feel broken to misery, my heart turns to you.
And then I wish I could just die before crying again.

Got ya.

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