Monday, June 18, 2018

Inked Passion

The studio was light and clean, with all white furnishings and colorful art hanging from the walls in stunning designs. I squeezed his hand a little harder, communicating my bit anxiety as we entered the room. The artist was already waiting for me, wearing an all black outfit that contrasted with the white apron, bandana and mask. Without a word, a hand already covered by blue rubber gloves indicated I should take my place at the chair.

I took a last sip of Jack Honey, and handed Red my bottle and purse. Laid down, I tried to relax as I felt the cold of an alchohol-soaked tissue being rubbed against my skin. "Can I put some music on?" - Red asked. "As loud as you wish, bro. This room used to be a rehearsing studio, the doors and windows are pretty soundproof"- was the answer.

So, he dropped my stuff over a glass side table, and went to deal with the sound system. I took a deep breath, trying to get more comfortable. one window, behind me, had its curtains opened to a probably beautiful view of the city from the 7th floor. In front of me there was another big window from where one could see the studio reception lobby, with its vintage-futurist decoration that reminded a mix of old fashioned drive-in restaurants with some kind of harbour side cabaret. There was a bunch of people there (and they were all as unique-looking as the scenario), but they couldn't see inside the room we were, because of the one-side mirror effect of the glass.

He put some music on, walked a bit and stood beside me, taking a peek at the work. "This is going to be really beautiful" - he said. "Yes" I answered. The artist was silent, concentrated. Red walked a bit around the room, took a look outside through the windows, and stopped in front of the chair, staring at me with a sweet smile. He opened the bottle and took a sip of my whiskey, making an interesting expression: "I still prefere the original shit" - analyzed him.

I gave him a bit nervous smile back, uneasy with the pain that was starting to get tad annoying. "You want a sip?" - he offered. I reached with my right arm in his direction and he came closer to handle me the bottle.

-Is it hurting? - he asked, and the bright in his eyes was already changed.
-A bit... - I answered, staring him back while I felt his fingers softly caressing my thigh. - But I'm a big girl. I can take it.

-I know you can take it. - his fingertips were moving up to my hips, careless about lifting part of  my skirt. His touch was soft as a feather, and now directioning to my inner tighs. I bit my lips. I felt him smoothly touching my pussy from over my panties, in slow up and down movements. As my bean was getting hard, he'd circle it, tickling its arounds, without taking those hypnotic eyes from me.

"Is that pain and pleasure..?" - he'd affirm, more than ask. One finger lifted up the corner of my panties, and another one slided into my soaked pussy 'til I felt the pressure of his hand against my labia. I let escape a muffled groan, that was probably inaudible, through the music and the typical noise of the tattoo machine. With one finger way deep inside me, he offered another sip of the drink and softly kissed me.

I could feel the moist starting to flow out, as his thumb touched the top of my clit. I felt a small shock and bit my lips again. He smiled, made a deeper pressure inside me, before slowly taking out his now smeared finger, and sticking into my mouth. I eagerly sucked it, tasting my own pleasure, and teasing my instincts.

He pulled a bench to the front of the chair I was, took a sit and gently bended my legs, caressing all along them, without any rush. When his hands got to my hips, he pulled off my panties, kissing my naked ankles as he freed me from the lingerie. Then he bended my legs up, spreading it in a gynecological position, as he pulled himself closer.

The one-way mirror window was right behind him, and the impression I got was that everyone outside could see the scene, which was at the same time uncomfortable and exciting, like the pain in my arm as the tattoo needles hurt my skin. As if part of the machine, the artist just kept going, eyes on the drawing as if nothing unusual was happening. As I turned my head to see how the work was evolving, I felt Red's breathing between my legs as the tip of his tongue tickled my clit. His stare was profound and intimidating, and I closed my eyes as his mouth was getting hungrier, sucking me greedily.

I firmly grasped the sides of the chair with my hands. The artist then delicately tapped to my forearm, making a sign to relax the arm muscles. I tried to apologize, but again was deeply penetrated by one long, decided finger, as I felt the palm of his hand cupping my whole cunt, pressing my sensitive spot.  His finger started moving inside me, teasing and stretching, as another one was tickling my butthole, and spreading over the juicy drips of my fluids.

He got a second finger into my gash, revolving as the other hand was now pressing the bottom of my belly. I was now moaning out loud, twisting my toes inside the high heels, trying to keep steady. Sometimes the tattoo artist would rub a tissue to my wounded inked flesh to wipe the blood that was probably running hot through my whole body. This was terribly painful and still would make me even more sensitive to the stims down my intimate sites. A woman approached the mirror to check out her newly got tattoo. Her friend came closer, and they were cheerfully talking and pointing. I couldn't listen to them, they couldn't see me  there, kinda hostage of that kinky scene.

He spreaded my legs even more, exposing my puffed up glossy pussy.  He stepped aside, again searching for the bottle. I felt too vulnerably and put my knees together. " Keep it opened" - he firmly commanded, taking another sip. I just obeyed, and reached again with my hand, silently asking for the bottle.

He came to me, pulled my head up a bit from the chair headrest, but didn't let me hold the bottle. Instead, he put the bottleneck to my lips and lift its bottom. There was a bit too much, and some of that honeyed tennessee spilled from the corner of my lips, dripping over my neck and cleavage. He forced me to drink all the rest of the liquor - there might had a whole dose left or more, counting the wasted. "Good girl". - he said, still holding the now empty jar in front of me - "Now suck it."

I looked down to his pants and noticed he had a hard on . My eyes questioned, his firm gesture pushing me the bottle was the answer. I then holded it with my right hand - the left arm was almost numb, the fleshy canvas for that focused artist - as Red was grabbing the back of my neck, keeping my eyes on him, as his other hand slapped my pussy.

I started licking and sucking the cold bottleneck as if it was his hardened cock. "That's it..!" - he complimented, and slapped my cunt again, this time harder. "Deeper, bitch, I want to see you deepthroathing it." - he said, louder than the music, careless  of the presence of a third person there...Well, definitely that didn't matter any longer.

I could notice a few people occasionaly passing through or even stopping by the one-sided mirror. The heavily pierced receptionist fixing her pink hair. A young couple admiring their matching tattoos. A group of drunk motorclub members arriving for some celebrative inking. I could only have quick glimpses of them while Red's fingers worked hard on me. One, two, three...revolving, exploring, as if he wanted to retrieve something from the depths of my welled pussy. I could no longer hold the bottle, I left my arm rest aside, still holding it by the bottleneck, moaning out loud as I was being extremely fingered.

A whorish-looking women was retouching her lipstick as Red leaned over me and whispered: "Keep sucking this shit if you don't want this bottle to end up on your asshole..!" - he then took his hand out of my pussy, slapping it even harder. My body shook for a second and even the tattooer seemed to have had a little jump scare, stopping to draw for a second, then wiping off the excess of ink and blood and continuing the work.

Red then slapped the bottle from my hand, that went to the floor into zillion pieces. I could notice a reaction from people outside as if they heard that noise of shattered glass, but then I felt my arse being merciless penetrated by his fingers. Deeply, slowly and strongly. All in. All out. He let go on my neck and had his two hands grabbing me, loosening my butthole with both thumbs, tickling my vagina with his index fingers .

"I'm almost done" - the artist said, loud enough to be heard  throughout the music and moaning.  "Time to cum" - Red smiled a pervert, delightful smile, drumming his fingers on my cunt as I could still feel his pinkies holding my hole gaped.

In seconds, I felt the shaking. An exploding orgasm shocked my body and again the tattoo machine stopped working on me. A big amount of moist was spitted out my pussy, almost in a squirt, and I did suffocate a louder cry.

"It's done" - the artist announced, and rubbed me with the tissue one last time. Then said, begining to thake the gloves and mask off : "I'll have some water, you can suit yourselves, I'll be right back. Nevermind the mess, someone will come to clean it later" -and left the room.

Red reached the tissues and handed it to me with a passionated kiss. I cleaned myself,  put on my painties and pulled down my skirt.  He  disconnected his phone from the sound system and then helped me to get off the chair, after another of his sweetest kisses. We both were staring at the mirror, admiring my new tattoo. Admiring ourselves. We are a hell out of a great-looking pair.

-Did you like it?
-I loved it.
-I love you.

That would be forever under my skin.

Friday, February 2, 2018

See Me Masturbate ( Dirty Talk II)

Later, I was telling him about my unexpected masturbation adventure with the dirty talking strange in the video.
-Do you like dirty talking porn? - I asked.
-Sure! Hard to find good...- he lamented.

Of course the idea got fixed in my mind. But what would him call "good" dirty talking porn?
I have no idea. Im too self-conscious about my dirty talking. I've noticed in previous videos, that I tend to start talking childish and baby like, and it kinda embarrasses me. But I guess there's only a few things that a woman willing to spread open to a camera could be really embarrassed of...

It was easier just not to show my face. I positioned the camera in a good angle next to the mirror, and was watching the screen instead of the reflected image. I wanted to see what he'd be seeing.

All set, I could sit and focus in getting wet. Time to fantasize. It was bit hard to stop wondering about what should I say...

"Hey, know what? I just can't wait to see you..."- I tried to start somehow, but almost whole of my attention was being drained by the finger movements on my vagina. Back to mind came the majestic picture of his hard on. I moaned out loud, feeling my fingertips getting humid.

" I can't wait to have this cock fucking me again.." - I thought, but didn't vocalize. Damn it, my mind was in a storm of memories of epic fucks back to over a decade and a half ago, which my whole body remembers every single move. Like the night he filled me so good from behind, that even after overflowing my hole with cum, he went on drilling me hard, making me drip all over the sheets.

By this point, I could feel my pussy starting to water.  Looking at the phone screen I could see the glossy pink spot getting hungry for action. My long nails gently touching my clit.

"This is soo good... You wanna feel it? I want you to feel it... Will you pull my panties aside and finger me discreetly anywhere, just to check me wet..? I'll be all so wet for you...can you make my pussy cum, please..? I want you so bad..!"

It's so easy to make this pussy drippy soaked whenever imagining its about to get his attention. Another sexy situation just popped out mind: what if instead of taking me at once, he would decide to be patient and torture me for hours, having me wide open and bonded, touching, licking, fingering me, inserting things - but not fucking.

Again my moaning went louder, imagining how many things he could do to my exposed body without treat me with his cock inside my cumming  holes. My fingers got more intense imagining me immobilized, with a vibrator stuck to my ass, having him faceraping me deep. I almost feel his huge, strong hands holding my jaw straight and gagging me with his dick until I feel his balls smashing against my face.

I feel another thick drop of pussy juice sliding down to my asshole. Oh, fuck, I'd cum right now if only I felt the tip of his dick touching my pussy..!

"Fuck me, please..!" - and the voice came almost as a mourn - " I need to cum soooo bad..!"
"You'll cum when I want to" - I imagined he'd answer, and took it as a relieving promise. With that man, the battle was always trying not to cum too soon or get too sore before the fun even start.

I had to slow down the clit fingering. I was dangerously on the edge and it was too good to end yet. With a finger, I started massaging my asshole.

"Oh yeah..!" - my voice sounded how delighted I was- "I'm so horny..! I want to sit on your cock with my buttcheeks open wide, but I need to stretch my ass first...would you help me..? Could you be gentle..?" I said as my fingers slided in and out my moisted hole. On the screen and the mirror in front of me I could double-see the scene of my long nailed fingers massaging the borders of my asshole, and hoped the vision would make him as horny to fuck me as I was right then for having his cock buried in my butt.

"Wanna see this dildo fucking my asshole, dear? I can take it all inside, after a while, I swear..!"

Carefully, very carefully, I rubbed the dildo against my pussy to make more moist come down, but I had to use light gestures not to explode already.  The expectation of being filled in the ass made my heart beat faster. "Aw, it hurts..!" - and it actually did, while the dildo's pink head started forcing the entry.

"It hurts..!" - I went on mourning, feeling my asshole throbbing against the insertion - "I'd need a little kiss to take the pain away, a little kiss in my pussy... Can you please kiss my pussy? Please..?"

Dripping moisted, the head of the dildo started to open its way through my asshole, while one of my fingers carresed my labia and helped me dream about his mouth covering my pussy while he'd prepare my butt to be roughly pounded.

"Please, fuck me...I need your cock...I'm so horny for you.." - I was shamelessly begging. Even fantasizing about having him so close and still having to wait to get that dick stuck on me, was insanely torturing.

Fuck that, I wouldn't hold back too much longer. Changed position, leaving my butt way up, with my head down. "Look at it, Red, look what you've done to me...I'm a slut, on my knees, holding you my gaped asshole and begging you to fuck me..." - I pushed the dildo all inside with a loud moan. Took it out and slowly back in,  filming the scene up close so he'd notice the dripping gloss.

"I'm all ready for your cock slutty ass is so hungry to swallow your dick to the root...I want to scream so loud on your hard-on, Red..! Come fuck me like this..." - and moved the toy faster and stronger , as my lust  was increasingly out of control.
"Fuck this whore's asshole, brake it loose, I want to fell your cum dripping outta me..!"

My swollen red cunt was pulsating in fever as I had four fingers exploring the gap left by the violent masturbation. The scene in the mirror reflected a detail the camera couldn't register: a pair of sweet stationary paperclips were been used as nipple clamps. And the pleasant pain on the breasts made the whole feeling even kinkier.

But when my mind pictured him taking his cock out and actually start rubbing it against my gap, I felt I wouldn't hold anymore... One last deep stock with the dildo to my ass, and when its fake balls touched my cunt, I could feel the cum starting to squirt.

"Oh, no, no, no... I'm cumming... I'm cumming..!" - I almost cried, and a strong squirt came out and actually reached the mirror, leaving some drops on the image. I slapped my pussy to calm its espasms, feeling that hard toy in my insides.

I was totally sweaty, messy, upside down, impaled, disgraced. Turn on the vibrator and my pussy contracts and squirts again. The juice flows down to my legs, but also down to my belly, chest and  neck, reaching my mouth. In that weird position,  I felt trashy drinking my own cum. With it still dripping from my chin, I'd lick my lips looking at the mirror,proud of being this filthy slut.

I need you to fuck me real, fuck me hard. And if you don't like my dirty talking, you can shut me gagged on your shaft....

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Assfucked By A Stranger ( Dirty Talk I )

So, old Hamalka found out a new trick: dirty talking porn.
I've found out these videos of a random guy who never shows his face. Its only his dick and it has nothing really special about it, but the video featured something I hadn't seen before: a man jerking off and fantasizing out loud about a woman.

 He could be talking to any woman, he could be talking to me. His loud moaning and panting, saying "I'm so horny for you..." The voice of a stranger would be uncomfortable in real life, but I'm safely home, in my bedroom. The unknown pervert breathing on my ear through stereo headphones is welcome, and I'll surrender to his commands.

"Pull down your panties, baby..!" - he says . I leave the mobile device aside- I really ain't interested in the image of an anonymous penis- and focus on my fantasies. The stranger's voice presumed a stranger's face I had never seen, so it didn't matter how he would look like. The feeling of exposure was somewhat arousing.

"Spread your legs for me... Oh... You have such a beautiful it up, open it up for me baby..Ooooh... You are so wet..!"

I sure was soaked wet already. I could feel it dripping to my asshole and I had barely touched myself. The voice of my unrevealed lover went on teasing, and it was somehow exciting to listen only to a male voice, instead of getting other females squeaking along , like in regular porn. "You make me so horny, can you feel my dick getting hard for you? I want you to put a finger in your beautiful pussy and slide it in and out for me... "

I did, and the voice moaned as if he was actually watching my pussy closely. "Oh yes, baby... Go deeper... I wanna see you finger fuck yourself..!"

Following that lead I inserted one, and then two fingers that were drowned in my swollen wet vagina. "You're so me your tits, let me see those nipples..." - I took off the bra I didn't even noticed I was still wearing. And actually got a reaction: " Oh, baby, I want to suck your nipples... Let me bite your big nipples, make them hard as your cunt..."

Damn, it was so good that I didn't know for how long I could take without cumming....

"Good baby, good baby, you're a good slut..!" - I was moaning loud, not worried if anyone would listen in the real world. "Now, are you ready for my cock..?"

Oh, yes I was...! I reached for my pink dildo, because it was as hard and veiny as I wanted to feel it. And it has that balls I like to feel rubbing against my pussy when I swallow it all with my ass. My mystery fucker didn't say which hole he was coming in to. I rubbed the dildo between my legs and got it really moisted. I went crazy feeling its tip starting to force its entry into my butthole.

 "Spread it open, come on..!" - and with a loud moan, I pushed that hard stuff all inside. "Oooh, baby, I'm fucking you so good... I wanna make you cum... Do you wanna cum?"

"Yes" - I actually answered.
"My hard cock is all inside you... I'll fuck you 'til you cum, and I'll cum with you for you to feel my sperm hit you inside..." - he was saying and the guy's voice shown he was loosing himself as well. "Cum for me, cum for me..." - he'd repeat, and kept saying how beautiful my pussy is. "You're a delicious slut..!"

"You're making me so horny, baby, I need to cum now...Masturbate for me, baby, I want you to touch your cunt with my cock inside you.."

My two hands worked like crazy in pleasing my clit and sliding that hungry dick through my dripping wet buttocks. "I'm gonna cum...I'm gonna cum.." - the sounds were no longer talking at all. I heard his panting as my heavy breathing. We moaned together and the fapping sounds matched perfectly the wet noises of my sex.

It was the best orgasm I've had these days. I messed the bedsheets with a tidal squirting. After that shockwave I stayed still, enjoying the effects for a while, didn't even noticed when or how the video ended.

Then, I had an idea.

Thursday, January 25, 2018

Live show

And then, of course, I had totally lost account on how much wine I've had. And we started to talk about the videos I sent him.

-They're very good, I love them!  - he cheered.
-Well, it's probably the best I can do considering the..."structure" I have. - I laughed. - You know I have a thing for porn.

-I can understand that. - he gave me that malicious smile. And without drifting his eyes away from mine, I felt his hand coming from behind me and grabbing my ass.
 I wasn't wearing any underwear. His fingertips went straight to my asshole. He forced it a bit, just to feel its reaction.

-I want you to show me, as you do in your videos - he said .- But this time I'll be the one filming.
-Right now?
-Yes. - he pointed to the couch at the reading corner of the room. A strong and large couch with a spotlight right on it.
I went to pick up my toys, and when I came back he was setting his phone's camera.

-Anytime you're ready. - he invited.
-I'm ready.

I got all on my fours upon the couch and arched my ass as high as possible, making sure I'd be completely exposed. The spotlight was a bit blinding and I could only guess his focused expression , approaching the camera to my bottoms and to my face alternately.

My fingers begin to caress my wet pussy. Gotta be really careful not to cum too soon... My eyes looks hungry for the camera, but more than ever to the man behind the lenses. The idea of having him so close, really watching my every move, was driving me sexually out of control.

I'm so wet I could easily skip the lube. But the sensation of the cold wet drops on my eager buttocks was just too good to miss. I massaged it good and fingered it a bit before reaching to the white dildo I use on the scenes.

He's silent and committed, and that somehow makes it feel even dirtier. I looked straight to his eyes while introducing the whole dildo into my ass. Noticing his breathing was changing was really increasing my mood, and in a couple of minutes I'd be swallowing that whole dildo at once  with my ass, and panting like a cow to be impregnated.

He found a good angle and stood there a while, driving his eyes off the screen and focusing on the real scene. He started caressing my butt and hips, letting his fingers slide on my fluids.
He's still filming. He takes the dildo out of my hands and proceeded the fucking, alternating the speed and intensity of the moves.

I'm all loose and can just enjoy the feeling of being impaled like that by his hands. Panting, sweaty and mesmerized by the lust  in his expressions, I dare to close my eyes for a moment... Its when I feel a hot pressure against my pussy.

I moaned, a bit for the pain. He was trying to force his huge hard on inside my pussy, with the dildo still buried in my ass. I'd even be up for the double penetration challenge, but with two big fillings like that, not a chance.

He then took the dildo out of my ass and shoved all that massive erection all at once deep into my pussy. The loud squeaking mixed with his heavy breathing and my moans. Fuck, that was good. That was way too good.

-S..stop, or I'll cum..!
-Not yet. - he pulled me to himself even harder once more before switching my pussy to my asshole.

Now I was feeling it. A pulsating member throbbing inside me, forcing its way deep into my ass. Not a cold fake hardness, but a hot blooded cock to gap my ass broken.

-Is this want you wanted, bitch? You were craving to have my cock raping your ass...

I couldn't answer. The window glasses reflected the most perfect scene: he was behind me, filling my butt with his dick, that I could feel that was about to come...

The phone was left on the bedside desk. It was just us, and we were that centimeters of flesh we so eagerly rub against each others.
-Cum with me...! - he mumbled, trying to be firm on his order. His fingers worked on my pussy and clit. His cock going in and out my asshole. I could feel it coming. His breathing was maddening for the nympho in me.

Once more I'd feel that hot tide creampie me full. And feel it coming down with all the juice my pussy squirted in its raging lust.

Friday, December 22, 2017


Its the third night already on this vacations, that I completely , literally spent with a dildo shoved to my ass. Yeah, I'm this kind of freak. Totally capable of masturbating for hours and hours, cumming on and on shamelessly.

Now that I'm fully growth up, I understand more of what I want in sex and why I like it that way.  I love anal stimulation.  But anal tricks demand an extra atone, tion, and fact is that not many men knows how to make a woman enjoy anal pleasures.

In times like this, when I'm alone and there's no rush,  I'll start by picturing you fingering and eating my wide open pussy.  I love to notice how our fantasies match with perfection, as you want to be in control and I want to feel dominated.

Still caught on the idea of being locked in bondage , as you serve yourself into all my holes.  I imagine you choking me on your cock , commanding me to keep my mouth opened as I drool and gag on your meat.

I spread my legs as much as I can, forcing it a little harder as a sexy stretching exercise. Isnt it about to push the limits, anyway..? I feel my pussy hot and swollen, she likes to be shown, she's so dripping wet... I wish it was your fingers dipping into my pussy, and lubing my delicate asshole, one by one, all the fingers in one hand.

I  must hold myself from the temptation of touching my engorged clit. Its too soon, and if I cum now I won't take today's lesson. There should really be a course on how to enjoy being assfucked.

But right now I am all ready to begin. The 22x 4,5 centimeters toy is firmly positioned and I slowly let it in and out, getting used with the shape of its head making its way trough.

I move my hips back and forward, and in my mind its your dick that my butt swallows bit by bit.  Its not easy, the dildo is so big... But wasn't that my choice? I bought a big dildo to get my ass trained in taking a massive cock in, an enjoy the cruel banging to the creampie.

I push it deeper, and feel my pussy drool. I reach to the other toy and try to get it into my pussy. There's no room, its crazy. I remember your promise of shoving them inside me with your own hands.  Oh, dear, you'll worn me out so badly...

Now the big dildo slides in and out my asshole so easily. I  take it all off, enjoy the gap and then push it back in. It doesn't hurt more than its pleasant. I'll come if I solely hear your voice asking me to.  But in my fantasy you're squeezing my clamped-nipples titties and panting in my ear as you get your hard cock ready to fill me with a hot, heavy load.

Boy, I could spend the whole night like that...

And I did.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Night hunger

One in the morning and I should be sleeping. Tomorrow's a busy day, and so was today. But part of my tasks for this afternoon was writing a couple of reviews about a subject that really makes me horny.

I was already wet when he called me and said he couldn't sleep. I knew he was fishing for some sexy chatting. I was totally in the mood. He teased me, sending pictures of his sexy bondage equipments. "I have everything I need here, but you." -that was almost romantic. "I need you here now'.  - he doesn't beg, but demands.

He promises to tie my arms and legs in a way I cannot move.  Legs held spread on a straight bar, and mouth held open by a weird device like some kind of mask. My pussy floods with lust  at his every word.

I tease his dirty mind to cum, as he tells me more about his perversions. The memory of choking on his delicious cock makes my pussy dripping. I slide a finger lubed with moist to inside my blinking asshole. Feels so good I get hungry for more.

Its time for some gaping fun...

Monday, December 11, 2017

The boring truth

Being Hamalka is a way of dealing with two monsters, becoming a third and stronger one. Lust and depression. Well, I'm not even sure if I have depression, I shouldn't have, but yes, maybe sometimes it's pretty hard to deal with the fact I'm running out of life, and maybe there is no " happy ending " to everything, shit happens and its real as fuck.
I guess I kinda had been ignoring a lot of stuff, just because I didn't find possible to happen. But it happened- and what now?

Now is where I am. Living those days I never thought would come. Wow.
I don't like much opening up about my personal life here. But on the other hand, what's the fun if I'd only be porn. I wouldn't be real. Real people don't only think about sex ot have sex adventures around all the time. Believe me, I do know it. And I already waste a loooooooooot of time thinking about sex.

But yeah, let's see: I was a quite wealthy housewife. All of a sudden I was divorced, without a cent (yeah, that's possible- but I don't feel like going into the details here). Went back to my family and found great jobs, everything was doing just fine, but then the tide changed catastrophically. There were health and family problems, and as if it wasn't enough,  my parents got financially bankrupted. From far, one of my easiest dilemmas are: if I don't get a full-time job, I won't make money enough for basics. But if I stop studying, I won't get my diplomma  and get the hell out of this situation.

It even sounds funny, written that way. How can I be sooooo fucked up. I was the luckiest woman on Earth. It was...late 2003-mid 2004 when things started going to shit for the first .Money was beginning to become a problem, but I was too young to notice it was bigger problem than being dumped. I was so upset about that, that I cancelled the lifetime chance of moving abroad with a friend. She went alone and nowadays she's still living the life we once dreamed to have.

I'd like to say getting married wasn't shit number 2, but for fuck's sake: IT WAS. It was the shittiest thing I've done after refusing the trip. And I can say it without feeling one bit guilty, because when I got married there wasn't love anymore, but family stuff that shouldn't be exposed. Even though I'm just your wild imagination, even imaginary families would deserve this respect. Anyway, it was my fault, blame it on me, its not like I wasn't cruising for this bruise. Fuck me. I know I paid high for the mistake. I still live with the consequences. And traumas. Whatever.

There were good things about that times, too. Or else I wouldn't get so desperated  when he finally left me. Nowadays I see that under a totally different light that didn't take much to start shining on my life that days. Soon I was all back together. I learnt new stuff, had amazing great jobs, I found my love again and even had epic vacations. And I felt so healthy, so beautiful, so happy with myself. Was it the so-called "best of times"?  I can give you dates when I mostly knew it was.

Mid-2013, early 2014: too early to notice. When September ended, I started loosing it. I hardly can evaluate 2015. It was so hard on my body and soul. I'd like to believe it was when I found the fighter inside me, but I guess it was cowardice that saved me...I don't remember seeing death so peacefully close before. In many ways.

When our friend's body went down to its grave, I decided I didn't want to be the next one in a casket. And my soul have been growing stronger ever since. My body recovered enough to face the new challenges that pops up everyday, ever since.

And now, after writing aaaaall this, I feel way better, and actually grateful for being healthy now. Maybe I shouldn't be here complaining, wasting time instead of doing something useful.

Maybe I should actually had started thinking about porn instead of dwelling into that bad vibe. But maybe a song made me brokenhearted. Something that remembered me that there's no happy ending. In fact, there's not even a fairytale.

There's just Hamalka. A monster made of lust  and depression.