Day 8: Love, actually.

I was cleaning up the table after lunch and good things came to my mind. I felt my heart warm and I didn't noticed I had such a shining smile upon my face until mom came up with the question: "So, what´s the recipe for such a happiness?"

I felt my cheeks burning and I laughed, so did she. And before I could say anything she said "I bet it's about some boy, huh?"

-Well...I'd say it's more about some man...now.

She nodded. "Whatever. Listen, my dear, if I may say so, I guess you have to take a time for yourself right now." - this sentence erased my smile for a moment. For since the divorce I´m always being pressured to behave like a medieval widow or something. And some close people have been cathegorical in saying stuff that hurts only in thinking. And I was afraid I was about to get another one, but in fact, before I could say a word,she went on to surprise me:

-I just want you to know, that you should not be afraid or embarassed of having someone special to your heart again. I have seen you in love before, and what I see now is that you're putting a huge effort in hiding it, maybe even from yourself. I know what you´ve been through and what you´ve been listening to, but wasn´t you the one who was always saying life´s too short to waste on "could have beens" ? Unless he´s married, of course...

-No, I don't think so. Just that... it´s a teenage love. And we´re not teenagers anymore.

-Good, so this might mean the time is right, now.

While I wondered what makes her so sure about it she turned her back and was about to leave the kitchen when I finally decided to ask.

-You know who I´m talking about, don´t you..?

She laughed

-His name is written all over you.

Day 8 : BBQing

Nothing better than waking up at noon and finding out that the delicious barbecue smell actually comes from my backyard. So, it was an all-family day at home, with a lot of food. My dad made milk pudding, my brother spent the day fixing something in the car, mom was taking turns of resting and cleaning up (why are moms always cleaning up something?) and I played a bunch of games with my Pikku Myy, watching Spiderman on TV. As I told before , they are showing Spiderman marathons in every channel, and when you have a toddler at home, you´re most likely to end up watching the same movies over and over again.

And after a whole month of the same stupid episodes of "Jake And The Neverland Pirates", I think Spiderman is a blessing.

I'll miss that, though. For the first time in almost a decade I'll taste how it feels to be completely on myself again.And this thought kinda gives me butterflies.


  

Day 7: Good things comes to those who wait...

If someone very special says he´s waiting for you...

...be sure and prepared to be worth the waiting.

I´m ready!

Day 7: High hells

When I was younger - and in fact, most of my adult life too - I was never knowed for my fashion sense. Actually still today I don´t give a shit for fashion: I have my own STYLE, baby..!
But few days ago something kinda funny happened: I went to a store and bought this pair of shoes I was pretty much sure everyone would think ridiculous, but I thought so fabulous that I bought it without even ask for the price - and this is the kind of thing I NEVER do. But I´m so lucky that it was actually incredibly cheaper than I thought - like half the half the price I had in mind.
When I got home, I was still so excited about my shoes that I took a picture and uploaded it to the internet. "Since Prince Charming is not coming, fuck the glass slipper".

Then, something inedit happened; all my friends who saw it went crazy and started me asking about where did I get those shoes from, how much did they cost, which brand it is...How come? They really liked it? Were they fancying something I chose and bought?

Wait it gets worse: They found pictures of the same pair and sites that sells them (at least twice the price) and are now posting them to social networks with captions like "Must have!" "I so wanna!" "Need soooo bad!" "Just wonderful!!" and stuff..

WHA A A A A A AAAAT??

To some friends I actually told where I got the shoes. And for my surprise they actually went there and bought it. I dunno what I really feel about it.  I feel flattered that people think I made a good choice for my looks, but on the other hand I feel stupid since now a bunch of fashion freaks will be out there wearing same shoes I will be wearing. With my background it´s obvious that  everyone will think that I'm the one copying the others, and not that I am actually the original deal.

Big deal. Me & my shoes will be kicking some ass way far away outta here.

Day 6: Watashi wa kawaii desu

Half kilo of raw salmon later I guess I´m finally through with my craving for sushi. I also ate a huge bowl of sunomono salad I made myself - and this time it was really tasting great! 

I looove japanese food, specially sushi, sashimi, uramakis and temakis. I even know how to use the hashi sticks since I was a kid. I blame it on Jaspion and Osamu Tezuka´s characters. I was an "otaku" long before this word was up-to-date.

Speaking of Japan and other countries, today I went to this "All Nations Day" at my kid´s school. That was really fun: at the Argentina room the visitors should make a circle and share a  traditional cup of mate tea. Of course from there I went straight to see what could I find at the Jamaica room, but all I got was a piece of some ginger cake.

Now I´m here in my pajamas, watching Spiderman 2. I wonder why they´re showing this much of Spiderman on TV lately. If this is a trick to promote the soon-to-be-released Spiderman 4, I won´t buy it.

Unless they call Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst back.

Day 6 : A quote that says it all

"Craziness is only the top layer of my personality lasagna."

Day 5: Sports Night

Comparing to the rest of the nation I know shit about soccer. And I couldn't care less about it. I mean: let´s suppose for a moment that I am a real supporter of team X or Y and they are playing tonight. If my team wins, what do I really win? And if they loose, what do I actually loose? Nothing. That´s what I mean. So, why bother?
Ok, if someone ask "which team do I support" , I do have an answer. And I eventually use that as an excuse to gather with friends to yell, drink and swear, but most of the time, I just ignore the name of the guy defending the goal area, or the coach, or even what championship they are playing for. Unless it´s World Cup. Then it´s really heavy party time here, and I hate to be left apart of it. Well, I guess down here even if you try, you just can't...

Well, tonight there's no world cup, but I´m supporting my team on a continental championship. Bought nachos and Coke (the drink, not the drug...) and will watch it from my bed, with my daughter for company.

Thrilling indeed.

Day 5: Nightmares

The first night in ages that I fall asleep without rolling over and over the bed, and I end up having the worst nightmare I can remember in a long time. When I woke up, I spent some minutes in bed, trying to analyze it, and I actually started to notice the recurring elements in these nightmares I´ve been having lately.

Regrets: On these, I´m usually on regret of some decisions I made. For a time it was about my ex husband: on my nightmares I was with him again and I regretted that. I take it as a reflection of something I already did, for I do regret the three times that we got apart and I accepted him back. By now I´m more than more than sure I will never get together with him again, but I confess that sometimes it brings me a blue note of thinking how stupid I was before, since a lot of pain could be avoided if I simply wouldn't take him back, way back then.

Lost opportunities: On my nightmares I usually have the chance of doing something I really want to, but for one reason or another, I think I should leave that for a better or more appropriated moment- and I end up not doing what I wanted. Either I wake up or something happens in the dream that makes me loose the unique chance.

Apocalypse: I´ve been "dreaming" a lot about the end of the world, hollywood style. I mean, with skyscrapers falling apart, fire from the sky and all that jazz. When these happens, I feel a terrible fear, because I always think "damn, I truly didn´t believe it would be like this", and it hurts too much because I always end up having to leave someone I love behind to save my own ass. I always survive, but I loose my family. Actually I´m hardly with them when the shit starts to happen, so I end up not even knowing what happened to them. This is even worse.

Deceptions: And the last, and worst it´s to think that all of these dreams actually do start as dreams. In the beginning I´m really happy and satisfied about the way things are going.

Until it all start falling apart somehow- usually the worst, worst, worst way possible.

I´m not worried if these can be actual predictions. I´m actually pretty convinced that these are mostly reflections from my mind and my pessimist overview nowadays...

Anyway, it´s stressful

Day 4: Winter problems

...and that´s exactly how it feels when you "gotta go" in this time of the year.

Day 4: Meanwhile in Rome...

Day 4: A girl and her ghosts

I feel guilty when I wish someone was dead.
I feel bad when I wish I could be somewhere else.
I feel terrible when I think I could simply wash my hands on some things that are only stressing me out, but I know there´s people counting on me.
I feel miserable when I catch myself tired of trying to be a perfect mom.
I feel stupid when I notice I´m having too high expectations for my future.
I feel defeated when I think I might be again cruising for bruising.

...but gee, I´m only a lousy human. Aren´t we all supposed to not to know what to do with our feelings?

Maybe it´s not time to feel
It´s time to live a bit.

Day 4 : Swallow this

I´m pretty used, conformed and submissive in taking all the shit I got myself into. I think it´s fair enough, no matter how hard it is, when I´m suffering because of something I screwed up myself. And believe me, I´m a master when it comes to make the wrong choices. And living though it.
But if there's something that really breaks my heart deeply is when I have to pay for other people´s choices and mistakes. I know this happens. I know it´s as natural as the fact that no human being is an island and stuff, and if we´re coming down to spirituality I should be even more comprehensive and "understandful" (if there´s such a term, anyway...), but damn, did I grew this bitter? Or just got way too tired of being the good girl and getting all my hopes and dreams fucked up while the misbehavers are all out there living happily ever after?

You know what? I guess this "lived happily ever after" stuff are only for the ones who doesn´t believe on it.

Aaaaah...! So I´m starting to get it, then.

Day 4: Bitten by the black spider

I was watching Spiderman 3 last night and realized maybe that's what I need: a little bit of that black poison. To kill this fucking sweet personality once and for all.
Today´s menu: looking for an extra battery for my camera. And I´m starting to think it will be more advantage to buy a new camera instead.

yeah, I´m spending all my money on this trip. In fact, I´m not spending: I´m investing. I truly believe this will make me feel better. wash my soul off all the damn past few months. Maybe the past few years. Take of that painful stains that still left and replace it with a bunch of really happy memories.

I bet. I hope.

C´mon, if there´s a God out there He musn´t be THAT mad at me.

Day 3: Mass Storage Device

Today I went looking for a bigger USB memory to keep my stuff while travelling. I wanted a 32 gB drive, but afterall it was better to have two 16gB pieces. I mean, because of the costs: a 32 gB from an inferior technology brand was almost twice more expensive than buying the two 16gB ones. I admit I'm a total stupid when it comes to tech stuff: have no idea either I made a great deal or not, as long as I can store all the pictures and videoclips I want. And I want to make a lot of them.

A big, fat, colorful and incredible multimedia album.

That´s the least I expect from this tour.

Day 2 : Insignificant reality

Today I went to buy groceries. By the way, I went driving to the supermarket. That was sure a blast. I only let the engine die once, and I am still bit bad in parking on the line, but who cares: practice will make perfection someday.

But, as my traditional luck, after I had passed all the stuff through the cashier and packed, I found out daddy´s card is not working. Nor mine. Because we use the same damn card, and there was a problem with the system in the whole area. I mean, i couldn´t buy anything nor even withdraw some cash, because the system wasn´t working. So I had to leave all my groceries behind and pray the gas would be enough to take me back home, for I wouldn´t be able to buy fuel either, unless I had another type of card - which I do, actually, but since I applied for that two days ago, I still don´t have it on my hands so, nevermind.
Anyway, how come we get to this point, when a little I-dunno-what-the-fuck-happened with a "system", decides if I can or cannot spend my very own money, which I made to deserve? It´s somewhat shameful when we spend more than we can really afford, but when I actually have the money but still gotta leave my stuff behind because of a fucked up "system", boy, that´s when I simply get pissed off.

So, that´s it: no matter how much money I have, this means that anytime, because of a, let's suppose, solar flare, I can die of starvation or sickness - in case I need an urgent medication - because the system is down? How great to notice!

Because of this, I´ll have to wake up early tomorrow and try to buy the ingredients for lunch again.I am pretty sure the system will be back online by then, for it´s a monday. 


I just doubt my dad will borrow me the car, for the same reason.

Day 1: To Caesar what´s Caesar´s salad

So, part of the family got together today to celebrate the youngest girl's first birthday. A pity that my grandma wasn´t there, since she got this terrible cold. Blame it on the shitty weather.

I like kids parties. But I confess the best part is the food: birthday cake, sweets, lollies, hot dogs, popcorn and all this junk we don´t usually have all together at once, unless in occasions like these. I ate a lot, maybe too much, but I´m so skinny that would sound ridiculous if I say I care. 

By the way,I tried some outfits I intend to take on my Lonelymoon. Must confess I liked what the mirror showed me. I might not be in my best shape ever, but I can still break some hearts. Hope so. Hope not.

Actually I´m more interested in mending mine.

Day 0: International credit

So, I woke up early (for my current standards), took a shower and went out to show the world my beautiful shining face. Yeah, there has been a lot of stuff bothering and putting me down, but I´m trying hard not to think about it, so let´s focus on what there is still good about my life.
I went to the bank to get a damn credit card. Not because I like it or even intend to use it , but I was told now there´s a rule about travelling overseas that demands an international credit card, so I´m taking one. I don´t want any problems with the immigration, and some people that have been there told me that I know nothing about a fucked up immigration process before getting through it at the very airport where I´ll get my first flight connections. Great.

I hate to go banking. I hate that damn "roulette" doors that makes me claustrophobic. And I have this terrible paranoia that the bank will be robbed exactly when I´m in there, and I´ll be the one taken for hostage. In fact I never suffered any of these big city distresses. I guess I just let my personal unsecureness get into my practical life. It will pass as soon as I find my self confidence back.

And get the hell out of this metropolis.

All about me

Day...by day...by day...by day...I am not even counting anymore. I wake up everyday by 11 a.M, go to sleep by midnight, don´t plan or care about how the day will pass by. I don´t really have anything interesting to do, but wait. And since I fucking hate waiting, I don´t feel ashamed in sleeping more than 10 hours straight, or spending two or more days in a row without leaving the house. As if there was anything for me but stress outside. And I don´t want to get stressed: it ruins my skin. And I´ll need all my perfection in a few weeks.

I´m working on it. I was working out, actually, but kinda gave up. My thighs were getting too thick, and though it looked pretty nice in skirts,my pants were getting harder to fit in, and this is no good: I was dumb enough to shopping for the big event way too much time before the big day, and now I don´t have money to buy new clothes in case the ones I bought don´t fit anymore. Smarty me...

Now my worries are: should I grow my nails or keep it short? Should I dye my hair or bleach it? And what kind of accesories would go best with my new blouses?

Yeah, I´ll enjoy every minute of my right of being futile, useless, shallow. 

I know it won´t last, anyway.

No FRIENDS in the friendzone. Just morons trying to score.

Great. Day by day I´m getting more and more sure I have no friends at all. And worse: I found out that I´m turning into the villain of my own damn situation, because the morons  who were supposed to be my friends are now making me feel guilty about "keeping them in the friend zone", instead of seeing how wonderful men they are.
Point is, that I´m not even questioning either if they are that wonder or not: I´M NOT SEARCHING FOR A MAN, is that so hard to take it? In fact, I don´t even want to search anymore, I don´t even think about it, because if there is a lesson that life taught me well was that LOVE HAPPENS. There´s no use in chasing it, nor in waiting anxiously for it to arrive to our lives: it just happens when it´s gotta happen. Try to push the situation and all you´ll get is a handful of pain. But if you focus on living your life and doing the right stuff to be done in the appropriated time, don´t worry, for you won´t be a foreveralone, unless you want it.
And probably even if you want it, you´ll be surprised by love sooner than you would expect.

I need a friend.
And this seems to the the hardest thing to find.

I dare you..!

Are there any good children in here?

Well, hello again!
Nah, nothing really good happened, I´m just getting myself drunk. That´s a nasty problem about me: I´m hardly an alcoholic, but if there´s booze around: I´ll drink. I can easily go through months - I made it for years- without a sip of alcohol, but if there´s any available, I´m probably having it until the last drop. same with cigarettes: I actually never considered myself either a smoker or not: I love smoking, it´s not about nicotine addiction. I´m not the kind of person who goes out late at night in wintertime because ran out of cigs, but if there are any, I´m probably smoking as much as I can. I also like cigars and narghile and those classic Bali- Hai indian bidis.

Tomorrow is "Valentine´s Day" here. It has nothing to do with St. Valentin, in fact it´s St. Anthony´s eve - and he´s considered a "guardian" or something for couples and people in love. A damn lovers holiday, anyway.
Am I a lover? Yes, indeed.
A pretty hurt fucked up die-hard one.

Cheers!

I don´t give a fuck if I shouldn´t say so...

...but truly, the only thing that could make this stupid monday any little brighter would be to know that some very specifical bunch of people no longer breathes.

Ok, it´s not the only thing. But it´s the easier.

Rather than anthropology

It doesn't matter what your birth certificate says...I'm pretty sure you were born for me.

Don´t ask

...life´s just too weird to understand sometimes.

:)

What do you do when the pain is so much more than you can take?

BITCH in training

Ok, I got it. Just had the ultimate lesson there´s just NO USE in trying to be a good person in this world.

To be sincere I´m not even sure anymore if I am being a good example acting my best and advising people to do the same, to take others in consideration, to not to hurt other peoples feelings. Don´t cheat, don´t lie, don´t offend anyone, what for? 

They´ll do that to you. Be sure they will at every single opportunity. Sorry , I´m not christian enough to take this suffering as a ticket to heaven or anything like it. And  to be sincere, no matter how much I believe there´s way much more for my spirit in this universe than this mere damn human existence, I  just don´t want to take things as they are anymore. If I´m not the wrong one, why the fuck am I the only one who´s not laughing?

What´s the point in teaching our children good things? They will soon notice it doesn´t work. Because it doesn´t. Wanna have fun? Get wasted, have irresponsible sex, drive way over the speed limit, act like a tramp and forget about what anyone will think. Fuck if you´re breaking anyone´s heart, betraying anyone´s friendship, there´s just no such a thing. 

Be your own world. Have your own fun. Because life is short and that´s pretty much all you´ll take from it.

Yeah, I´ll probably burn in hell for this. But who cares. At least for now I´ll have a laugh, then. Suffer to suffering, it will only get hotter.

Sober thinking

Okay, since this subject finally came from the bottom of my heart maybe I can write a few lines about it to wash this tears away.
The end of my marriage does hurt still. Not because of the person who left me. Actually time showed me that I am really happier without him. I´m finding myself again. This was more than a lesson to myself, that I should not give me up, for I´m more worthy and valuable than I actually knew, and I won´t forget that now in this new quest for a fairytale in life.
I just hope that lesson number two is not that there is no fairytales at all in this world. I´m not buying that. I´ve seen it happen, so if there´s no happy ending for me I can bleedingheartedly take it, but don´t you come telling me there´s no space for true happiness in this world. There is, I´ve even been there for a while, and damn, I won´t bury myself as long as I can live a second of it at least once again in this fucking existence.

Call me crazy, call me sick, whatever you might think, I´ll keep on thinking that you are the sick wackos. You´re already here, you´re already as human as everyone living in the face of this lighter layer of hell itself, and you still think it´s worthy to make things even more complicated and pessimist and worse than it already is. You´re fucking nuts!! F U C K I N G N U T S.

You know what? You may want to wallow in this threshold. I don´t. And even if this whole world is going to shit, I think at least the healthy decision to make would try to get out of it instead of digging to sink faster.

Over and out.

Why?

 That´s what comes to my mind sometimes when I´m writing this. Why? What for? I don´t truly intend to offend anyone who might read that.
Well, actually it´s a good point to start... since I don´t really tell about this blog to anyone who might identify themselves with the (bad) stuff I write here. It´s more like an escaptre. Here I can badmouth these stupid girls, these butt ugly boys, and specially, the fucking crazy things about this world that I just don´t understand. Well, to be sincere, there´s just one thing in this Earth I don´t really understand: people. Not at all, not a bit. I wonder if you humans realize how senseless you are. And I know, I´m sure you don´t.

I´m just not sure myself if either I should laugh or cry about it. Lately, I´ve been mostly crying. But since I got more than aware that no matter what I or other people do, this _will never change_, I´m starting to think I´m better start laughing or else I might loose the only true chance of taking a joke out of this all.

before it´s too late

Parental advisory

If you don't love kids, don't have them. If you´re not willing to spend some nights wide awake sober and singing lullabies, don´t have them. If you don´t like to go out and play some sports, even when you don´t know any, don´t have them. If you´re not up to listen to stupid melodies over and over until you know all the lyrics by heart, don´t have them. If you like to calmly get ready to go anywhere and never worry if someone might throw up on your best outfit, don´t have them.

If you´re not ready to love someone for the rest of your life, don´t have them.
If you don´t believe in true happiness no matter what, don´t have them.

But if you ever dreamed about becoming someone´s world...

There´s no better feeling.

Tomorrow is monday, and I don´t give a damn!

Vacations, finally! This week was my last at the office, and I dunno if I said that already. I am just way too lazy of reading past posts to figure this out. Today was sunday and though nothing really special happened I laughed my ass off at some point with my best snowmen telling me at the same time how bad hangovers they had. I felt like asking them if they were at the same party last night, but I know they weren´t. That´s why I like these guys..!

What else? I´m turning orange. Yes, O R A N G E. The color. I had the brilliant idea of buying one of that self-tanning lotions, so I wouldn´t be so office-white when wearing a bikini on the foreign summer, BUT...unless this miserable winter sun can do anything for me, you dears will deal with my snow white small ass. No bikini marks, no tan, no tropical wonders

Yes, a little.
Why do you ask..?

This has got to change

Diggin out some 10 years past Shakira´s hit.

Objection..!