Monday, May 28, 2012

The Labyrinth

Are you afraid of yourself
When left alone at night
Nothing but silent truth
Whispering loud inside your mind
Can´t take it
She will remember your name
When gone in misery
The spiral gets downwards
To the dark hell you can not see
She´s blinded
Roses can make you bleed
Sharp thorns deep inside of your skin
You love the beauty that will drain you weak and steal your soul
Choose your way, you cannot stay
Choose your death, it won´t be late
Don´t forget this life is short and you can start to count your days
There´s no point in wait for more
We´ve been through it all before
Caught in wires on the trap you took so long to build for your own fate
Remember the only reason you use the same words
Is that you don´t speak the same tongue
Communication is a fail
Misunterstood as blessing
Creative creatures creating the perfect stage scene
A mix of joy, wonders and pain that hurts from within
Play the game you always win
Same old safe home, same rotten dream
Following Ariadne´s trail of tears

Morning thoughts

I feel sorry for these people who are always complaining about how miserable their lives are for one reason or another that lies usually in their very own hands. And I feel that I have mine tied up, because no matter how much I appreciate the ones in question, I can´t just go there and say: "Yeah, you´re way too fat, and truly I have no idea how you expect to fix it having tequila the way you do!" or "Yeah, your boyfriend is an asshole, so why the heck are you still with him if he doesn´t even fulfill your lower expectations?". Even better: "So you cheat on your wife because she´s too jealous and this bothers you...never thought she can be jealous exactly because you´re a cheater?"

I´m not saying this because I have no complicated relationships or problems, in fact I´m a master on the subject. But one thing I kinda got to get rid in my life was  self-pity. If I´m fat, I know exactly why. If I don´t like my body, exercise will do better than mumbling. And isn´t that obvious that I have a totally fucked up love life? Believe me: if I stick to the son of a dear, either he´s too good to miss or I´m crazy. I am completely aware of the answer I chose and I´m quite happy with it.

Am I truly a good friend to the ones I can´t help?
I´m starting to question this.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Step #2 : Keep typing

I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...
I will never do that again...

Step #1: Keep drinking

I was talking to a friend earlier today and he made me notice drinking should be something social. Yes, I completely agree. Point is that I am a writer, and there´s a million letters I can be social with, without having to take my butt out of the couch and go to a bar or something, or call someone. And just to make it clear: I´m not drinking because I´m sad or want to forget about something:I´m just doing so because I feel like it, I´m in the mood, I work hard and I pay my bills, so, get the fuck off if this bothers you anyhow.
 Besides, I don´t know anyone at the moment I´d call to share a drink with me right now. To be sincere, most of the people I know this days either have a life or don´t have a brain at all.  No, I´m not in the mood of marrying the night, I´m not up to go out huntng for sex , I don´t even want to make any new friends: I just want to have a drink and a nice time conversation, that´s all. But it seems to be too much to ask, without having to deal with endless conversations about meaningless relationships or without having to make clear all the time to the guy that it´s not a fucking date.

Sun day again!

Another morning in Hamalka´s life to welcome the ones who just wanna have fun - but eventually fails.
I looked in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth and noticed that for a long time and in a bunch of occasions I tried to pretend being something I´m not, just not to bother some people that truly, I never liked. And these people mostly never liked me aswell. What for? I dunno, this human urge to fit in. In what? A world that it´s not worthy and is obviously falling apart. Why would I want to be part of it? I dunno.

There´s so many things in this world people dislike. And if you´re not in for the same things I´m searching for, maybe it´s better for us to split up, so noone will blame other later because of the chains that were never meant to exist. I might be too crazy for you, and you´re probably right. You´re way too normal for me and this world itself doesn´t fit me. Normal is boring.

BORING is all that I don´t want life to be. I dunno what comes next, so better to enjoy right now.

I´m alive and well!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Shining now

Well, hello there!

I won´t make any comments on the past few posts, specially the Jäger-typing stuff. I only today noticed that even the layout is fucked up, and I have no idea why.
Yesterday, though, I was just incredible happy. Have reasons to. Have lots of. Just had one of these moments when you stop whining and look around, all the blesses you have, and you start thinking "Hey, maybe life doesn´t suck that much, afterall!" Eventually it will pass and I´ll be back to the same old grumpy me, but not today either. I´m still happy. The world may be going to shit, but I don´t feel like paying attention to it right now.

It´s very nice when someone says you´re good in what you do best. It´s very nice when you have friends you can call just to say how much you care. It´s very nice to go outside and see the sun is shining and your pockets aren´t empty. It´s very nice to look in the mirror and likes what you see.

It´s very nice to be me
At least for today.

Ol´Hamalka is feeling fine.

Friday, May 25, 2012


I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!


If you believe in God, it´s God
If you believe in fate, it´s Fate
If you believe in´s Nothing!


Jäger typing

So, ol' Hamalka was walking down the street when she suddenly notice she was a guy. After peeing on a tree, she went on dancing and singing on the streets and decided it was more than time to go to bed, but she was afraid of leaving the fireplace burning unattended, so she enjoyed a bit more of the warmth and thought "Gee, if I´m waiting to all this fire to burn I´ll stay up to the morning and I have a busy day tomorrow, so maybe I could extinguish the fire by throwing some liquid on it!" Of course it was the dumbest idea ever and soon the house was all steamy in a way she could barely see her nose. Then downstairs comes her mother and asked what the hell was happening and ol´ Hamalka started to laugh making pretty obvious she´s been drinking again. "I´m happy"- she said - "And I think you should too, for it´s already friday, friday, gotta get down on friday..!"
Hamalka´s mom pretended she didn´t notice and went back to bed, as Hamalka went looking for some Coke (the drink, not the drug) and when she opened the refrigerator she found two coxinhas and ate it. Cold coxinhas don´t rule. At all. But Hamalka is hungry.
Then she remembered she didn´t have her workout routine and thought would be better to seize the moment, but tradmill jogging after "n" glasses of Jäger are not really useful to body health purposes, and thought "Gee, I am really in need of doing something instead of sleeping, for if I go to sleep right now I´ll just waste a good drunky-non-wasted-time." And Hamalka became a girl again and came back online to write all this nonsense just because she feels like it and wants to know how much shit she can write about nothing at all.

Just because I am Hamalka. Just because I can.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Keeping the flow

Truly, I don´t like to use this blog as a deposit for my complaints, but in fact I feel more likely to post here when I´m down, pissed off or way to horny to have a decent conversation with anyone without getting too offensive. By now I´m pretty sure you´re all aware of how much this lack of sex stresses me and how I do deal with it by fantasizing and posting naughty stuff. Though these days I noticed that my sexual desires are getting lower and lower, and I wonder if soon I´ll just forget about it. I don´t even feel like masturbating, writing or watching porn anymore, and I wonder if I should start to get worried about it. Mr. Red is gone, I wonder if he´ll ever come back to my dreams.

For you, naughty readers, I hope so. This will get really boring in no time if all you can get from me is my grumpyness. Or maybe not. I can asure you all I´m really good in bitching.

Both ways and someway.

I know I should be WORKING..!

...but this is so freaking HILARIOUS!!

That would make me happy by now...

*You can GET chocolate.
*"If you love me you'll swallow that"; has real meaning with chocolate.
*Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

*You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
*You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
*If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
*Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
*The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
*You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
*You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
*You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
*With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
*Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
*You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
*Good chocolate is easy to find.
*You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
*You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
*When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
*With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.
*A chocolate never tells you they liked you better with long hair.
*A chocolate never snaps your bra or pinches your bum.

*Chocolate can stay hard for a week
*You can safely have chocolate while driving.
*It's easy to find 9 inches of chocolate.
*You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your chocolate.
*You won't find out later that your chocolate is married.
*You won't find out later that your chocolate is on penicillin.

Crucify me..!

...the way things are going, this is the best I can expect.

Bored ´til death do us part

Yes, I know. It´s been a fucking long time.

Actually, still I don´t have much to write about here. I´ve been doing some boring office work, and since I´ve been spending most of the day at the office and I get home wasted of working everyday, I don´t really feel like sitting again in front of the computer and writing whatsoever. A few good things happened, nothing extraordinary. Didn´t have any really bad news yet, so I´d say life´s going okay.
To be sincere, life´s getting into that funny loops when no matter how hard I try to screw things up, they end up kinda right. Not that I´m willing to ruin my own life, just that I started to not give a flying rats ass for a bunch of stuff I do should worry about, but I don´t feel like it. My job, particulary. And other things that were draining the hell out of me and really doing bad for my skin.
I bet it´s the damn hormones. I always knew that lack of sex makes us uglier. I know because I was a creepy creature until I lost my virginity, and since then I probably didn´t spend so much time without sex like now, and I´m butt ugly again, so there´s no way I´d say it´s just a coincidence.
What else? My father´s favourite dog is dying. Of course it´s sad, but when you have in mind that the dog was taken out of the street as a sick puppy 20 years ago, I wonder if any pet could have had a better life. Gee, I wish someone would take me off this lonely cold empty love street my life is , take me home and love me forever until I die of aging.
And speaking of cold, it´s still a damn freezing cold weather outside.
And dropping.
I´m not sure if I believe in global warming anymore.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

A night to remember

Just came home from the Unisonic concert. What a blast! After a long time without actually seein a good, great heavy metal gig, that was sure a present from the gods. Well, maybe not from the gods, but from a dear friend who sure became dearer after this night. We saw the concert from the very VIP section and I danced, screamed and sang my lungs off as I haven´t been doing in such a long time, and for sure I don´t remember getting this wild anytime before. I went completely crazy from the very first song and wasn´t even me there when they finished the gig with Helloween´s "Future World" and then "I Want Out". Brought back memories.

After that we still were up enough to a last drink, so we went to a 7-11. A lot of Sonata Arctica, Cain´s Offering and histories of times to come. Big finish for a night that I´d say it´s the first of a lifetime ahead.I´m back.

Let the good times begin again..!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

fucking you miss I

Tired as hell, I don´t really feel like writing anything.
At least not here, not now, and sure not to all of you.
Just one.

And you know who you are...

Monday, May 14, 2012

Up date

What a fucked up week / weekend. And the nightmare is just beginning.

My job is freaking killing me. I just found out I have no patience whatsoever to deal with rich spoiled girls, and even less with people who has no money, but a lot of prepotence. Humbleness is a blessing, my dears, and sure money can't buy you class. Get real.

Back to the practics: everyday I have more and more stuff to do. Stuff which, by the way, I don´t have a clue about. The good point: I´m learning a lot of new things. The bad point: if I screw things up, it will sure be my fault. Modern companies don´t seem to care if you have experience, but if you have the guts of taking the challenge. "I´m game". Will eventually wreck it all at some point, but who wouldn´t? If they want to push me through, I want to see how far I can get.

Anyway, I´m outta here soon...Days are numbers.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Crossing the line

I´m getting pretty pissed  with the attitudes of some men I know. Truly. I am starting to think that maybe I´m not just a little bit conservative: maybe I´m  just way too fucking square for this world nowadays.

In fact, when it comes to sex among overage people I believe that everything counts as long as everybody is having fun. But I don´t know how things got to the point that, since I got divorced, I´m getting to realize I´m the only one in the world who´s not into cheating. I didn´t cheat on my ex, and - to whom it may concernt - I won´t cheat on YOUR GIRL either.

I´m just amazed by the number of taken guys who dared to ask me for a casual encounter. And they are not even strangers: all of them are my friends. Really: my friends! People I know and sometimes have been knowing for ages, I know some of their wives, for God´s sake..! More than a handful of my married / engaged / commited somehow friends actually made a move on me as soon as they knew I was divorced..! Some of them, even long before I tell them.

Really, I prefere to think they had heard the news from somewhere.

I know it´s not up to me to end our friendship for that: each one knows what´s good to its own...But I think it´s pretty sad. Some of these guys are good guys I´d think were perfect husbands if they had never made a move on me being married. Worse: most of them even make it clear it´s not about commitment or relationship.. Just a "friendly time" or something. What the heck do they take me for?? This just makes me sad. Where did all the respect go? No wonder trust is so hard to get nowadays..!

Am I overreacting? What would you feel if you knew your partner is doing the same to your relationship? Just harmless fun, isn´t it? Unless you tell me right now that you truly wouldn´t matter because you have a very clearly open relationship, I doubt you´d think that this kind of fun is healthly acceptable.
And just to make sure I´m not being hypocrite here, I´ll confess once again that yes, I´ve been the girl, I´ve been the other girl, and exactly because of that I know that what comes around goes around. I was young and stupid and a fucking bad girl that didn´t give much of a crap to other people´s feelings, but I learnt my lesson the most freackingly painful way, before I even met my ex-husband.

So, here´s the deal, once and for all:

If you´re taken, don´t waste your time on me.I can´t waste mine while there´s so many interesting singles out there. And if you´re really my friend, you´ll introduce me to your wife and we´ll enjoy family barbecues.Because I´m this worthy.

If you´re going to fuck up your life, fuck yourself.

Monday, May 7, 2012

♥ attack

It was a dark,stormy night. The sun was shining upon the blue sky and there were birds and butterflies everywhere as she wrote on a sheet of paper:

           " I love you. Not like when we say that to a friend, nor like in " I love ice cream". I truly don´t want to compare you to a bar of chocolate or an afternoon at the beach - and sure I love those things too. I mean, I really love you. Like as if my heart was empty everytime I miss you. As if I had finally found love in a hopeless place. Well, it´s not that hopeless afterall, for I did find you...
 I want to embrace you, cover you in kisses, I want to smile at you looking deep into your shining eyes. I want you to raise me up and spin me around until we both want to throw up. We´ll literally roll on the floor, laughing. We´re good at it. And if we´re ever going to cry, let´s do it together.

        Love will hurt us eventually, I´ll suffer with or without you by my side, because that´s what life is: not always easy, not always funny: hardly the fairytale some stupid girls might believe. Love itself ends up to show what it is really made of, and it´s more for us in it than just happiness. There is growth, fellowship, conscience, evolution, and such great gifts are not always reached by easy paths.
 You´ve gotta love the one through whom you receive these lessons, or else life would be just way too hard, if you only get slapped by your enemies all the time you are just breeding hate. The lessons we learn comes from the hands we love.

       What I am saying is that if life would suck anyway, it would suck less by your side. Life´s not perfect, nor me, nor you. But damn, if I could only enjoy more of both..! I want to be with you and wake you up every bad hair morning, say hello with you to every sunshine, I want to find out what are the favourite dishes you are yet to try, I want to find out every little thing that would slowly drive you mad, I want to find everyday a new day to surprise you and make you believe I was made for you as much as I think you ´re the one for me.  I wish this deeply with every little beat of my heart. I want to be the arms you run to when you need and want. I want to smell like confort and trust to you. I want to know what it takes to fill your eyes with tears of joy, and I will dedicate the whole rest of my life in bring them to water the flowers that we´ll grow together.

        Still all I can for the future is to wish. For now is living, and I chose this feeling. Life is already perfect. I´ll love you forever. For better, for worse. No one could take your place. There is no happy ending for us.
 Just happy.

Hope you still remember. And call me when the moon is full. "

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Girl on the edge

Fuck this shit, I´m so pissed off at everything. My life seems to be going to hell every little damn minute and I just have no idea how to take this easily. I´ve been so stressed my skin looks like shit. I look like shit. A sick horse shit. There´s so much shit on this post I can smell it from here.

I´m definitely making a click-out of my life. I don´t give a flying fuck to my life right now, I am sick and tired of trying to help people that just don´t want to be helped, and plus: I´m waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too tired of being a stepping stone for some people I truly thought that was my friend.

Wanna know what? I´m counting the days, the hours, the minutes until I can just fly over this all, c-ya, I´m outta here. For at least three weeks I don´t even want to remember you guys exist. In fact, I hope that I have completely forgotten about you by then.

I need to feel that thrill again. I need to go find myself somewhere else, I need to rescue the strong daring me I once was, and more than anything...



Do you hear or fear, or do I smash the mirror..?

It´s easy to me or to anyone, I guess, to go out blaming on someone else for all we´ve been missing out of life. Point is that there´s no one to blame than myself. I was the stupid one. I allowed myself to be.
Why does good things as we call love and dedication ends up turning against us, keeping us from the real happiness? How in the world can one be so blindfolded that can´t even see self? How come I need a mirror to truly believe I exist?

I feel like Tommy Walker. Just went through times so hard that for a long time all I could see was my own shadow. So absorbed, so deep in myself trying to figure out how to live with the darkest inside me, that I just didn´t realize there was so much life outside myself. And a whole new world waiting for me to decipher, devour, decode. Where was I but wasting it?

If it hurts, therefore I´m alive. This should do.

A laugh for now

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Big city nights

Really, I tried to get crazy tonight. I was really in the mood of painting the city red, but somehow, thanks to my usual luck, everything went wrong from the start. So, here I am: home in my pajamas, drinking a glass of pure cognac, smoking - of course - and writing about a long time ago.

I´m sick and tired of this big city life. It´s just too much rush, noise, pollution, and very little love among the huge skyscrappers everywhere. Point is, if this metropolis is great to the ones who dream of make a living, I´m way too little greedy to take this shitty life forever. I never thought about getting millionaire, I just want a little love from this life before the show is over.
I´m strongly thinking about taking another great leap and just leave. I actually have somewhere to go, all it takes is courage. I´m brave enough to cross the planet, but blood freezes if the future is just around the corner. That´s me.

I am Hamalka.

The only kind of sex I´ve been having for way too long now...

Friday, May 4, 2012

Quick turn off

-You ´re not telling me what´s wrong, are you..?
-Nothing is wrong.
-So you are.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A moment of bliss

I have no idea whatta fuck I am doing to my life, but truly, I feel good. There´s something telling me my time had finally arrived.
I never had too much ambition in life anyway, and ended up I have it all. What more could I ask for? I´m so in love with myself now and with my life, I´m ready for new challenges, new balances and horizons. There´s a whole new me to unfold and this feels so magical. I just stepped out one stage and am about to start a new chapter of my so crazy story, that if it wasn´t my own life, truly, I´d never believe it.

- May I have this dance..?

I want to fly
I want to be
I want kiss eternity
I have a dream
I have a time
Tomorrow is a friend of mine
To you and me...

We are free.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Just chilling...

14° - fucking - degrees and dropping. And there´s people who still insists that there´s no such a thing as climate and weather change. Yeah, yeah, the global warming is just a nasty bedtime story to scare the ambientalists and hippie friendly people while they buy more of that eco friendly crap. Everything is fine, let´s pretend it´s pretty normal to be this cold by this time of the year. Let´s also ignore the exceptional floods in South America and just pray for a hell out of a hot summer in northern Europe.