Balance check

So, this is the place where I totally expose myself, to those who knows nothing about me. Its like screaming in the desert. Kinda like everyday life but backwards. Out there, I'm kinda hard to go unnoticed, still people can't see what I'm really made of. Here you have all my soul, but that's it. Don't expect to recognize me on the streets, I have rather different colors from inside and out.
I told ya already that have been shitty times, but seems that once one get used to pain, the mind starts to adapt and get clearer again. Or at least able to process. I started thinking.

"Whatta hell am I doing to my life..?" - I've had these kinda thoughts before, but they were never as shocking as now. Probably also because, really, I've never thought I'd be facing such times. I guess I got quite good in overcoming a lotta emotional mess, but financial resection was something I wasn't expecting to struggle with.

Sounds ridiculous, I know. But its harder than it seems, to deal with material problems. And mind you I've never cared about money, I despise luxury, I don't even bother following fashion, I don't demand going to expensive places. But its also true that money was never an obstacle between me and my simple pleasures. My dreams are priceless, so why would I bother with cash.
But when things get serious to the point one has to choose between your mother's medicines or a cheap hair shampoo for basic hygiene, its a clear sign that situation went out of hand. Talk about crisis, I know it well as a Political Reporter... BUT, most of all, I feel it, I live it everyday.  My family and I weren't big fortune, but it seemed unlikely we could end up like this almost all of a sudden. And I know we're not the only ones. The crisis hit harder not the ones with billions, nor the already poor, but the middle classed like us, that had small investments and satisfactory jobs. Now jobs are gone, and so the money of small investors that supported my whole life.
Fuck all the emotional hurricane and wristcutting broken heart stories I've mostly filled my pages with. I feel now as if my whole life I've lived as a pink cotton candy teenager whom is immature enough to smile over own troubles, just because of some fairytalish faith that, in the end, was proven useful to keep me sane for a while. But the while is over. I'm getting closer to 40 than to 30, and definitely, things are NOTHING as I figured it would be, ten or fifteen years ago.

I was living for love, now I'm fighting by instinct. And seems there can be a different happiness in growing sceptical. I'm a hard student, I am a complimented lecturer and reporter, and at some point I know the money-issue will get back to stability and up to beyond. And those who knows my work hardly knows my heart. Those whom I gave my heart might not know the dark spots of my soul. But the woman of this aging body is no longer feeling sorry or apologizing for being self.

I still ain't proud, but I'm stronger. And its good enough to go on.

Insurance

If still my plans keep going out of rails, I might consider selling my diaries to some editor. There has been notes ever since I was 10 or less. Just make sure to publish it post mortem, I don't even read that stuff again, shame on me..! 😂

Poking some wounds

Mmm'kay. Real Hamalka here. So, there will be no porn today. It's one of my rare 'headache' days, I'm not in the mood. Yet blogging seems fine, and I feel I could use opening up something more important than my legs, for a change.

Somehow this have helped me a lot, I guess. In a kinda diverse way from what I would expect - or want, maybe - but finally talking about some things....that I don't even touch...help me seeing myself bit differently. I hadn't really "noticed" how much shit I overcame in life, because all the time I was mostly busy with gratitude about the good things around me.

Ok, I still don't feel comfortable coming up in the details, but I've dealed with nasty stuff in life. And I learnt from all of them.  My mind has a peculiar way of functioning, but unfortunately my  memory is good enough to remind me why people should NEVER GET DRUNK IN FRONT OF KIDS. It doesn't matter if you're happy and celebrating, you adults have no idea how scary you become when to that point of talking loud and laugh at stupid things.

Of course I'm not in anyway saying no one should drink around things, of preaching kids alcohol is devilish- I would never be that hypocrite , because I just don't fit in any extreme. I kinda grew up in both, and I'm living experience on how this stuff SHOULDN'T work.In many levels.

The other day I talked about a particular episode of domestic violence of my adulthood ,and thought I would never have to remember that again, but life is, I met a dear relative whom I haven't been seen for six years. And she made me remind that... Really, for the first time I was listening to someone else talk about that, and I wish it wasn't me she was talking about. I do remember going through all of that, but I kinda couldn't believe I didn't end up way more fucked up than I really am. I was born Mom's Little Princess, I grew up to be (almost) all Teacher's Pet...how did I end up crying, at the Police Station? Shit hit us all, indeed.

But then I remember thinking 'bad things happens to everyone. Amazing things like there is in my life, this only happens to a few way too good lucky people like me'.

I know, this sounds crazy, or the kind of stupid self help talk. But that's what probably saved my live over more than I can had noticed. Knowing then what I know now, I'd probably be less fierceful about things. Wouldn't be so optimistic, so faithful. I believed slaying dragons was part of the fairytale or something like that.

I felt bitter for a while. I tought  I was loosing faith - and I'm not talking about religion here. I could say I felt like the gods deserted me. Somewhere deep in the heart of the jungle, they call it "Panema" , a very bad luck period, the forest spirits are against one. But I didn't have the time to dwell in misery, for I had full bunch of work to do...
 That kinda made me angry at some point, too.

I'm glad I noticed there isn't happy endings before it ends... But if one doesn't expect happiness, what can there be in the end? I'm fighting to make sure it won't be misery. It wasn't til now.
And I am sure the worst is gone. Because I'm so stronger.

What for..?

Sometimes, when everything is chaos and I feel broken to misery, my heart turns to you.
And then I wish I could just die before crying again.

Got ya.

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