Poking some wounds

Mmm'kay. Real Hamalka here. So, there will be no porn today. It's one of my rare 'headache' days, I'm not in the mood. Yet blogging seems fine, and I feel I could use opening up something more important than my legs, for a change.

Somehow this have helped me a lot, I guess. In a kinda diverse way from what I would expect - or want, maybe - but finally talking about some things....that I don't even touch...help me seeing myself bit differently. I hadn't really "noticed" how much shit I overcame in life, because all the time I was mostly busy with gratitude about the good things around me.

Ok, I still don't feel comfortable coming up in the details, but I've dealed with nasty stuff in life. And I learnt from all of them.  My mind has a peculiar way of functioning, but unfortunately my  memory is good enough to remind me why people should NEVER GET DRUNK IN FRONT OF KIDS. It doesn't matter if you're happy and celebrating, you adults have no idea how scary you become when to that point of talking loud and laugh at stupid things.

Of course I'm not in anyway saying no one should drink around things, of preaching kids alcohol is devilish- I would never be that hypocrite , because I just don't fit in any extreme. I kinda grew up in both, and I'm living experience on how this stuff SHOULDN'T work.In many levels.

The other day I talked about a particular episode of domestic violence of my adulthood ,and thought I would never have to remember that again, but life is, I met a dear relative whom I haven't been seen for six years. And she made me remind that... Really, for the first time I was listening to someone else talk about that, and I wish it wasn't me she was talking about. I do remember going through all of that, but I kinda couldn't believe I didn't end up way more fucked up than I really am. I was born Mom's Little Princess, I grew up to be (almost) all Teacher's Pet...how did I end up crying, at the Police Station? Shit hit us all, indeed.

But then I remember thinking 'bad things happens to everyone. Amazing things like there is in my life, this only happens to a few way too good lucky people like me'.

I know, this sounds crazy, or the kind of stupid self help talk. But that's what probably saved my live over more than I can had noticed. Knowing then what I know now, I'd probably be less fierceful about things. Wouldn't be so optimistic, so faithful. I believed slaying dragons was part of the fairytale or something like that.

I felt bitter for a while. I tought  I was loosing faith - and I'm not talking about religion here. I could say I felt like the gods deserted me. Somewhere deep in the heart of the jungle, they call it "Panema" , a very bad luck period, the forest spirits are against one. But I didn't have the time to dwell in misery, for I had full bunch of work to do...
 That kinda made me angry at some point, too.

I'm glad I noticed there isn't happy endings before it ends... But if one doesn't expect happiness, what can there be in the end? I'm fighting to make sure it won't be misery. It wasn't til now.
And I am sure the worst is gone. Because I'm so stronger.