Monday, December 11, 2017

The boring truth

Being Hamalka is a way of dealing with two monsters, becoming a third and stronger one. Lust and depression. Well, I'm not even sure if I have depression, I shouldn't have, but yes, maybe sometimes it's pretty hard to deal with the fact I'm running out of life, and maybe there is no " happy ending " to everything, shit happens and its real as fuck.
I guess I kinda had been ignoring a lot of stuff, just because I didn't find possible to happen. But it happened- and what now?

Now is where I am. Living those days I never thought would come. Wow.
I don't like much opening up about my personal life here. But on the other hand, what's the fun if I'd only be porn. I wouldn't be real. Real people don't only think about sex ot have sex adventures around all the time. Believe me, I do know it. And I already waste a loooooooooot of time thinking about sex.

But yeah, let's see: I was a quite wealthy housewife. All of a sudden I was divorced, without a cent (yeah, that's possible- but I don't feel like going into the details here). Went back to my family and found great jobs, everything was doing just fine, but then the tide changed catastrophically. There were health and family problems, and as if it wasn't enough,  my parents got financially bankrupted. From far, one of my easiest dilemmas are: if I don't get a full-time job, I won't make money enough for basics. But if I stop studying, I won't get my diplomma  and get the hell out of this situation.

It even sounds funny, written that way. How can I be sooooo fucked up. I was the luckiest woman on Earth. It was...late 2003-mid 2004 when things started going to shit for the first .Money was beginning to become a problem, but I was too young to notice it was bigger problem than being dumped. I was so upset about that, that I cancelled the lifetime chance of moving abroad with a friend. She went alone and nowadays she's still living the life we once dreamed to have.

I'd like to say getting married wasn't shit number 2, but for fuck's sake: IT WAS. It was the shittiest thing I've done after refusing the trip. And I can say it without feeling one bit guilty, because when I got married there wasn't love anymore, but family stuff that shouldn't be exposed. Even though I'm just your wild imagination, even imaginary families would deserve this respect. Anyway, it was my fault, blame it on me, its not like I wasn't cruising for this bruise. Fuck me. I know I paid high for the mistake. I still live with the consequences. And traumas. Whatever.

There were good things about that times, too. Or else I wouldn't get so desperated  when he finally left me. Nowadays I see that under a totally different light that didn't take much to start shining on my life that days. Soon I was all back together. I learnt new stuff, had amazing great jobs, I found my love again and even had epic vacations. And I felt so healthy, so beautiful, so happy with myself. Was it the so-called "best of times"?  I can give you dates when I mostly knew it was.

Mid-2013, early 2014: too early to notice. When September ended, I started loosing it. I hardly can evaluate 2015. It was so hard on my body and soul. I'd like to believe it was when I found the fighter inside me, but I guess it was cowardice that saved me...I don't remember seeing death so peacefully close before. In many ways.

When our friend's body went down to its grave, I decided I didn't want to be the next one in a casket. And my soul have been growing stronger ever since. My body recovered enough to face the new challenges that pops up everyday, ever since.

And now, after writing aaaaall this, I feel way better, and actually grateful for being healthy now. Maybe I shouldn't be here complaining, wasting time instead of doing something useful.

Maybe I should actually had started thinking about porn instead of dwelling into that bad vibe. But maybe a song made me brokenhearted. Something that remembered me that there's no happy ending. In fact, there's not even a fairytale.

There's just Hamalka. A monster made of lust  and depression.


No comments:

Post a Comment

Go ahead and show me what you´ve got..!