Wednesday, November 28, 2012


            Not that I am proud of it, on the opposite, I quite hate this about myself. But I think it's funny when I see people declaring on Facebook how much they hate people. Most of them are pretty regular human beings, with regular jobs and social lifes. I don't think whoever truly hates people could do this. I presume then they only hate persons they don't know - or know enough not to like them.
I don't hate people and I even like to get social most of the time, but fact is that I´m all the time worried about the fact I'm not good at it. I know I'm nuts and I know it shows. And I'm pretty damn sure from experience people end up making a bad judgement of my being. The amount of Facebookers posting stuff like "be yourself" seems like pure irony to me: I get myself in trouble being myself pretty much most of the time - including with people who posts that kind of statements.

           Problem is that I'm very aware of the dangers of saying everything that should be said. So I end up saying nothing, and holding back so much that I prefere just to be left alone. Or worse: I end up taking the abuse just to avoid a conflict. I'm no good in arguments, and most likely to step back or go out walking, specially when I have something hard to discuss with someone that's dear to me. Again: I'm nuts. Maybe it's hard to explain my nutty points of view when in need of saying something or someone is wrong. I always have this fear to be hated - because when it comes to the ones I care I hardly can keep my mouth shut. But no one likes to be criticized, so I guess my lack of way ends up irritating people even more: I try to speak slowly and make my point very clear, because I need to measure my words too much. Then the other starts to argue and I simply loose  my thinking plot, and am most likely to start saying things that seems to make no sense.

          Maybe I'm just little retard, like Forrest Gump. I didn't like the movie too much, but I read the book and found it fantastic. I identify a lot with that guy: he's just an idiot, but somehow great things crosses his way, even though he doesn't expect much from anything. And there is this point where he's trying to explain how things work in his life: One day he was walking down the street and the neighbour asked him to wash his car or clean up his garden or something. Gump has a lot of hard work, and in the end the neighbour gives him two dollars. "What I really wanted to do was to tell him to shove that bill up on his ass, but instead I just thanked him, kept the money and walked away.". Yeah, this is pretty much me...

          Well, at least something I can't deny: big things happens in my life.

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